"Welcome to My World"

Like Chuck Norris, I just entered the world of the "Dean Martin Show." On my right was the set up for "Les Brown and his Band of Renown." To my left was Dean's bar stool and the famous stairway up to the "firepoll." Across the large studio was the library set w/Kenny Lane's piano and Dean's famous "Gouch." Later that morning the studio would come alive and rehearsal would begin.

WGC Open

One Day 1. Mariachi’s DiSalvo Capeloto Intro DISALVO One of the things I learned In this business is how to make People laugh. What are you Laughing At Larry? I was reading one of those entertainment Magazines and that said the funniest laugh line, when you Open your act, is uttering the words “I am a married man.” (Pause Laff Track) A medical journal came out today From a very famous psychiatrist. He came Up with a theory that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... Then find a friend who has vodka and have a party.” (Laff Track) Tonight we have a great show. Tony Pomponio, our band leader is here. (Applause) Frank Montiforti, Tony “the Godfather” is here. (Applause) Our favorite Chicago funeral Director Franklyn C. Stiff is hear to talk about his new breakfast Menu at his at his “SunnySide” Up Cemetery is here. (Applause) And we’ll be in the kitchen with one of our favorite Chefs. (Applause)

2. Mariachi’s DiSalvo 8 Capeloto Intro DISALVO Let’s have a big round of Applause for Larry Capeloto. You know Banks may be in Big trouble. Larry was telling me He went to the ATM machine at His favorite bank, he tried to withdraw Money, and an I O U came out. (Laff track) You know, their rewriting history books To be Politically correct. One of the First things their changing Is the Christmas story. From now on the 3 Kings Will bring gift certificates. (Laff Track) Gaining weight seems to be On everybody’s mind these days I saw one sign that read Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00pm At the First Baptist Church. Please use the large double doors. (Laff Track) I know one gal that attended one of These weight loss programs. She quit early, if you saw her She had an hour glass figure With a couple of minutes to spare. (Laff Track) We have some surprises tonight. Our band leader will pour his Heart out as usual. (Laff Track) Frank Montiforte is back with Some of his favorite stories Larry and Tony “The Godfather” Dijerlando will talk about (Laff Track) The Shrink is back, Michael Dees Tries to straighten out the Tattered lives of some mentally Challenged patients. (Laff Track) And our Wise Guys will visit A famous Italian kitchen. Stick around.

3. Mariachi’s DiSalvo Capeloto Intro DISALVO There are crazy things happening In Washington these day. At one time we all thought the world Was flat. Then they decided it was round. Today we all know it’s crooked. (Laff Track) There’s a new study out for All of you people that want to Live longer. Scientists say the Most dangerous food to eat Is wedding cake. (Laff Track) They say the number one fear in life Is public speaking, and the number 2 Fear is death. What does that all mean? I’ll tell you what that all means, If you go to a funeral, you’re Better off in a casket that giving the Eulogy. (Laff Track) Speaking of Death, have you ever Wondered why funeral processions Go through red lights. What’s the Hurry? (Laff Track) Tonight we’re going to have Tonight we have our world famous Wise Guys Cooking cast Tony Pomponio, Frank Montiforte, Michael Dees, Tony Dijerlando will be here.

4. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro DISALVO Welcome to Wise Guys Cooking, the Show that asks, if the average family Consists of 4.5 people who constitutes Who’s the other one half a person. (Laff Track) The homeless problem all over is Getting frustrating. The other day A panhandler walked up to me And asked “ Hey bud, could you spare $20 for a poor unfortunate fellow? Twenty? Isn’t that pretty steep? The panhandler said I don’t feel great Today, I want to get my work done early So I can go home and relax. (Laff Track) Driving through traffic these days Is like throwing your life on the line. The other day my wife called me In a frenzy, I said honey I can’t talk, I’m Busy, She said I’ve got some good news And some bad news. I said I’m real busy, just give me The good news. She said, the air bags work. (Laff Track) We are privileged to have our resident shrink Michael Dees tonight. (Applause) Frank Montiforte just got out of jail for Stealing 10 dollars worth of costume jewelry. (Applause) Larry Capeloto and Tony “The Godfather” Dijerlando are with us tonight, And a lot of other surprises. (Applause to commercial)

5. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro DISALVO Thanks for being here tonight. I was just thinking, When we were young, we Want to change the world, now that we’re old, We want to change our depends. (Laff Track) You know when you’re getting older That’s when a fortune teller rather Read your face than your palm. (Laff Track) Kids are so smart these days, when I was a teenager my folks wouldn’t Let me drive until I was 18. My grandson Wanted to use my new corvette, he said Gramps the Bible says that if you don’t let Me have the car, you hate me. I said, where does it say that? He said Proverbs 13:24. He that spareth The rod hateth his grandson. (Laff Track) We’ve go a great show for you tonight. Tony Pomponio Is here, (applause) Frank Montiforte the Inventor is here. Tony “the godfather” Dijerlando is here. Franklyn C Stiff our favorite Chicago Funeral Parlor Association President is here. And one of our famous chefs will make A great Italian dish.

6. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro DiSalvo We’ve got a great show for you Tonight. I read a headline in local newspaper This morning, a blind woman gets Kidney from Dad she hasn’t seen in years. (Laff Track) Another headline that caught my eye. You know Chicago’s been known as The home of many famous Mafia figures. I guess it still is. I read where a very shady character was walking backwards Around a building in Cicero. He backed into a knife...(Pause) 20 times. Yes he did. (Laff Track) You know these restaurants in Chicago Have the weirdest menu’s. I took my wife to dinner the other Night, I asked the waiter What’s tonight’s special. He said the Heimlich maneuver. Everyone’s a comedian. (Laff Track) In Washington their going crazy With all these legal cases. Last week, here in Chicago, an attorney Asked “how long have you known the Defendent? The Witness said About 12 years. The attorney said tell the Jury whether you think the defendant is The type of man what would steal this money or not. The witness said ‘How much was it.” (Laff track) Let’s get right to it. Tony Pomponio, Frank Montiforte, Michael Dees, Tony Dijerlando Are all with us tonight. And let’s Not forget the Larry Caploto, we Never want to forget Larry,

7. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro DiSalvo Our laws are changing everyday here in Chicago. The other day the city council Decided that if someone With multiple Personalities Threatens to kill herself, it’s Considered a hostage situation. (Laff Track) Maybe you heard, In Rome there Having a drought. Their waiting For the clouds to pour out rain. Every fountain has been capped off. It’s getting so hot, and dry, (howHot is it) No really, the problem Is so serious....so hot And dry that Priests are Using Pinot Grigio for Baptisms. (Laff Track) The internet is the most frustrating Thing on the planet. If you have a Slow connection you know what I mean. We asked folks how slow does they’re Internet work? (Laff Track) When you click the “Send” Button, a Little door opens on the side Of your monitor, and a pigeon flies out. (Laff Track) You’ll love our show tonight. Our Wise Guys Cooking regulars are here, And we expect a lot of surprises.

8. Mariachi’s Open WGC Open Mariachi’s Frank DiSalvo Larry Capeloto We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Of course Larry Capeloto is here, Frank Montiforte is here, Tony Pomponio and Tony Dijerlando are here and lot’s of surprises. We’re here at the Dolly Sinatra lodge and as you know most all of the folks that live in the Palm Springs area are from out of town. How many folks are from the East Coast? How about the Midwest? Lot’s of folks from the West Coast. Do we have any one from New York? Chicago? Kansas City, lot’s of Kansas City folks, Los Angeles? Almost forgot about Canada, how many folks from Canada? Ok. We asked the audience to write down questions for Me and Ed.....with your name and where your’re from..... (Five Minutes) Sonny Villozzi, Mark Lantero, Brian Gallo, Mark Antonelli, Teri Nelson, Patricia Welch, Magician Jeff Hobson, Goldiggers, other entertainers, Aj’s, Slim Man, Trini Lopez, Sharon Sills, Gouthier, etc. Fessier. Jim Mahoney, Michael Dante, Jerry. We’ll be right back.

Pomponio "Forgetting."

WISE GUYS COOKING POMPONIO FORGETTING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670

DISALVO Let’s welcome our band leader our friend and yours, Tony Pomponio. POMPONIO Frank It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I remembered your name. Lately I’ve had a lot of problems. DISALVO What kind of problems? POMPONIO I’m forgetting everything. It’s getting to the point I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO I know what you mean. POMPONIO What’s your name again. DISALVO Frank. If that doesn’t work just call be “you know.” POMPONIO I was at a party I don’t know when and I introduced my wife of 42 years to a friend. I forgot her name. DISALVO Not good.

POMPONIO It seems to happen lately at all of the parties I go to. When I introduce myself the other night I said hi, I’m I’m you’ll have to forgive me I forgot. I’m terrible with names. DISALVO Our memories aren’t what they used to be. POMPONIO It’s so bad, yesterday I forgot why I walked into the bathroom. DISALVO That is not a good thing. POMPONIO It’s not forgetting things completely that bothers me, it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something that I forgot. DISALVO How’s your wife putting up with you?

POMPONIO I don’t know, last week it was our anniversary, the only way I remembered is when my wife through a bag of rice on my head. DISALVO That’s bad. POMPONIO Bad? Your telling me. My wife asked me about our marriage. She said if you had it to do all over again, would you? I said would I what. DISALVO I hope all is not lost. POMPONIO I was telling a joke the other day, I forgot why the two bears were in the woods. DISALVO Everyone knows why two bears went in the woods. POMPONIO I don’t remember why two bears were in the woods. DISALVO One good thing about losing your memory is you do get to meet knew people every day.

POMPONIO You know I go to a memory class every week on Friday, or is it Tuesday, Frank I forgot. DISALVO You look normal. POMPONIO I know Frank except for three things, names, faces and something else. I guess you could call me a psychic. DISALVO A psychic? POMPONIO I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO Well help is on he way. It’s called a commercial. We’ll be right back.

Montiforte "Old World Scents."

Wise Guys Cooking Old World Scents By Mike Colonna

MONTIFORTE We’re also creating a designer toilet paper. It’s a messy business but we decided to tackle in head on. DISALVO What do you call your new toilet paper brand. MONTIFORTE Frank, we’ve been experimenting with names, right now we’re looking calling it “skittle wipes.” Another name we’ve been toying with in “Nugget Huggies.” Which name do you and Larry prefer? DISALVO I like “Nugget Huggies.” LARRY I like “skittle wipes.” It reminds me of those little brown chocolate skittles.” DISALVO Have you come up with a jingle or motto for your new toilet paper? MONTIFORTE My favorite is “We’re number 1 in the number 2 business.” DISALVO That’s resonates. What do think Larry? MONTIFORTE We’re thinking of a few brand names that will turn the TP business on it’s head. I’m excited about the names we’re looking at. Brown Forest, or Miracle Wipes. DISALVO Frank congratulations folks will be looking forward to going to the bathroom.

MONTIFORTE We’re creating a toilet paper that is soft to the skin. Some of the old brans have that sandpaper feel. CAPELOTO Some of the rough toilet paper out there makes you feel like your spending time stripping furniture. MONTIFORTE No only that, but scents and textures are very important. Women love perfumes, men love colognes, we plan to change the way folks look at toilet paper. Different fragrances from around the world. DISALVO I like the way you think. MONTIFORTE Some folks prefer lighting candles for their bathroom visits, lighting a match as it were, others use incense, I tell you boys you’re gonna love our fragrances.” DISALVO You’re keeping us in suspense. Let’s see what you’ve got.

MONTIFORTE Now remember these scents are “old world scents.” Monti pulls out four to five different rolls of toilet paper. MONTIFORTE We have scent from every old country. Let’s start with Spain, if you smell this roll, it will take you back to the bullfights. The smell of an outdoor bull ring. DISALVO Bullfights? Frank and Larry smell the the paper rolls. CAPELOTO This one has a French smell. MONTIFORTE We call it the “ode de Paris,” it smells like escargot and garlic. DISALVO Your right.

MONTIFORTE Now try this Frank, this scent will take you back to Rome. Our Italian scent, smells like a cannoli. CAPELOTO It does smell like a cannoli. MONTIFORTE Italians are known for their fish, we have a bun roll that smell like calamari, another smell like anchovies. DISALVO It’s nice to have an Italian touch to your toilet paper rolls.

MONTIFORTE Our German bathroom rolls have a Germanic, scent. Brockwurst, is one our best smellers, I mean sellers. DISALVO Toilet paper that smells like Brockwurst. A novel idea. You know When we visited Poland I remember the toilet paper was like sandpaper. MONTIFORTE We’ve taken care of that Frank, we weaned Polish folks off their centuries old toilet paper that feels like speed bumps for a smoother feel. We call it Polish Over and Under Armor. And to complete our Old world scents we have and Irish scent called “Almost Velvet.” DISALVO Almost Velvet? MONTIFORTE I could go on and on Frank but I’ve got to use your rest room. DISALVO Well we hope your business takes off, I think our audience agrees, it will give you a reason to visit the bathroom more often. Let’s hear it for “The Inventor” Frank Montiforte.

Montiforte "Toupe's."

WISE GUYS COOKING Toupe's By Mike Colonna

Opening DISALVO We’re glad to have the inventor back again for a short visit. He may not be a “rocket scientitst” but we love him anyway. With no further ado, let’s welcome our favorite guet, Frank “The Inventor” Montiforte.” MONTIFORTE Thanks Frank, I’m happy to be here again. We’ve been inventing everything from electronic controlled toupees, to shoe lifts for short guys. DISALVO Electronic controlled toupees? MONTIFORTE Men that wear hairpieces, rugs, toups, wigs, extensions, they all fall under the toupee category. When your ready to get ready for bed you press this little gadget, the toupee fly’s off your head and onto our toupee “hanger.” This flying toupee seeks out a landing spot on our newly invented artificial head. DISALVO Sounds revolutionary. MONTIFORTE When you wake up in the morning, you press the “takeoff” button on an app you’ve downloaded on your phone, it tracks the toupee’s route back to your bald head, within seconds you have a full head of hair. The remote control on our app can also turn on the lights in your room, and connects with your security system so you feel safe sleeping sound in a safe environment. DISALVO You may be the Elon Musk of the toupee industry.

Montiforte "Old World Scents"

Wise Guys Cooking Old World Scents By Mike Colonna

MONTIFORTE We’re also creating a designer toilet paper. It’s a messy business but we decided to tackle in head on. DISALVO What do you call your new toilet paper brand. MONTIFORTE Frank, we’ve been experimenting with names, right now we’re looking calling it “skittle wipes.” Another name we’ve been toying with in “Nugget Huggies.” Which name do you and Larry prefer? DISALVO I like “Nuggie Huggies.” LARRY I like “skittle wipes.” It reminds me of those little brown chocolate skittles.” DISALVO Have you come up with a jingle or motto for your new toilet paper? MONTIFORTE My favorite is “We’re number 1 in the number 2 business.” DISALVO That’s resonates. What do think Larry? MONTIFORTE We’re thinking of a few brand names that will turn the TP business on it’s head. I’m excited about the names we’re looking at. Brown Forest, or Miracle Wipes. DISALVO Frank congratulations folks will be looking forward to going to the bathroom.

MONTIFORTE We’re creating a toilet paper that is soft to the skin. Some of the old brans have that sandpaper feel. CAPELOTO Some of the rough toilet paper out there makes you feel like your spending time stripping furniture. MONTIFORTE No only that, but scents and textures are very important. Women love perfumes, men love colognes, we plan to change the way folks look at toilet paper. Different fragrances from around the world. DISALVO I like the way you think. MONTIFORTE Some folks prefer lighting candles for their bathroom visits, lighting a match as it were, others use incense, I tell you boys you’re gonna love our fragrances.” DISALVO You’re keeping us in suspense. Let’s see what you’ve got.

MONTIFORTE Now remember these scents are “old world scents.” Monti pulls out four to five different rolls of toilet paper. MONTIFORTE We have scent from every old country. Let’s start with Spain, if you smell this roll, it will take you back to the bullfights. The smell of an outdoor bull ring. DISALVO Bullfights? Frank and Larry smell the the paper rolls. CAPELOTO This one has a French smell. MONTIFORTE We call it the “ode de Paris,” it smells like escargot and garlic. DISALVO Your right.

MONTIFORTE Now try this Frank, this scent will take you back to Rome. Our Italian scent, smells like a cannoli. CAPELOTO It does smell like a cannoli. MONTIFORTE Italians are known for their fish, we have a bun roll that smell like calamari, another smell like anchovies. DISALVO It’s nice to have an Italian touch to your toilet paper rolls.

MONTIFORTE Our German bathroom rolls have a Germanic, scent. Brockwurst, is one our best smellers, I mean sellers. DISALVO Toilet paper that smells like Brockwurst. A novel idea. You know When we visited Poland I remember the toilet paper was like sandpaper. MONTIFORTE We’ve taken care of that Frank, we weaned Polish folks off their centuries old toilet paper that feels like speed bumps for a smoother feel. We call it Polish Over and Under Armor. And to complete our Old world scents we have and Irish scent called “Almost Velvet.” DISALVO Almost Velvet? MONTIFORTE I could go on and on Frank but I’ve got to use your rest room. DISALVO Well we hope your business takes off, I think our audience agrees, it will give you a reason to visit the bathroom more often. Let’s hear it for “The Inventor” Frank Montiforte.

Montiforte "Man from India."

WISE GUYS COOKING MIKE COLONNA 714-747-5670 An Indian from India

DISALVO Hand gestures are very important when you speak. My wife’s gestures remind me of a traffic cop moving vehicles at a busy intersection in Chicago. That’s why we’ve invited Frank “Mr. Manners” Montiforte to explain the Art of Speaking and communicating. Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. MONITIFORTE That was a great introduction Frank, I an exceptionally welcome by Mr, Capeloto. CAPELOTO Thanks for thinking of me. MONITIFORTE I’m honored to be among two of my favorite people. DISALVO Let’s talk about some of your experiences with people talking for starters. MONITIFORTE You know Frank I’ve been a successful realtor for years. I’ve me people from every walk of life. DISALVO You have favorites I’m sure. MONITIFORTE We’re always on our toes when using simple gestures and facial expressions when we want to impress future customers. DISALVO Absolutely. MONITIFORTE You always have to respond in a positive way to make your customers relaxed and ready to sign on the dotted line. DISALVO That’s a given Frank. MONITIFORTE My last client was a little old gentlemen from India. You know the difference from an American Indian and a Indian Indian.

Montiforte "The Florist."

MONTIFORTE THE FLORIST Wise Guys Cooking 2022 By Mike Colonna

DISALVO Let’s welcome Frank “The Florist” Montiforte. The word here in Chicago is Montiforte’s flower show is the headquarters for men in trouble with their wives and girlfriends, or both. Let’s hear it for our favorite florist Frank Montiforte. MONTIFORTE Great being with you, I’ve brought you and Larry and small token of my appreciation. CAPELOTO This smells like garlic. MONTIFORTE You guessed it, Larry, Garlic makes the heart grow fonder. You hang a piece of garlic around your neck and it will attract some of the most beautiful women in the world. DISALVO Or NOT! Tell us about your flower shop. MONTIFORTE We’ve developed quite a reputation. Flowers for all occasions. Out motto is “You’ll get more work if you don’t waste your time smelling the roses.” DISALVO Sounds like a great motto. MONTIFORTE I hold no preferences among flowers so long as they are wild, free like me. DISALVO Speaking of free, how many times have you been married? MONTIFORTE I love women Frank, what can I say, I’ve been married 7 times.

DISALVO Seven times? Oh my, your alimony payments must break the bank! MONTIFORTE My wives have always been understanding. If I pay them 60 days in advance they give me a 40% discount. DISALVO Sounds like a pretty good deal. MONTIFORTE The reason why my first wife left me was I demanded more fantasy in our relationship. DISALVO Yea? MONTIFORTE She bought me a season pass to Disneyland. My second wife was a gem, I told her we should make love more often. DISALVO What did she say.

MONTIFORTE I couldn’t hear her from the spare bedroom. DISALVO Ok, what about the rest? MONTIFORTE My third wife? I got home at 3:30 in the morning one night, and found her in bed with another man, She shouted, where have you been all night, I said who is this guy? She said don’t change the subject. DISALVO Your fourth wife? MONTIFORTE My fourth wife had so much plastic surgery, DISALVO Go ahead, MONTIFORTE She had her face lifted, her nose straightened, her legs shaped, her breasts enlarged, and she had the gall to tell me I wasn’t the same man she married. DISALVO What about the others? MONTIFORTE Number five, was a doozy. She was so ugly, I took her everywhere I went.

DISALVO Everywhere? MONTIFORTE It was better than kissing her goodbye. DISALVO We’re getting there. MONTIFORTE Well I knew my 6th wife did not want anything to do with me. On Valentine’s day she sent me a card addressed “To whom it may concern.” DISALVO Was she a good housewife? MONTIFORTE Nope, I knew she wasn’t for me. S One night she served me dinner on a Quiji Board. DISALVO A Quiji Board? MONTIFORTE The Quiji Board spelled out “There’s poison in your food.” I guess she got insulted one night, she told me she wanted to go some place I’ve never been, I said, “Try the kitchen!” DISALVO Let’s get back to the flowers. MONTIFORTE Frank I just got back from Italy, the flowers in Rome took my breath away. The grand canal in Venice was beautiful. And Florence, I bought her beautiful flowers, I was in love, again. DISALVO Florence? MONTIFORTE Yes beautiful Florence, she took me for One thousand dollars worth of traveler’s checks. DISALVO Thank’s Frank, for sharing your stories. We’ll be back.

Montiforte "What's your name."

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 What’s his name?

DISALVO Let’s welcome the Alternative World of famous Italian linguist Frank I’ll never forget What’s her name” Montiforte. FRANK Thanks I appreciate you having me on. I’m drawing a blank. What’s your name? DISALVO Just call me You-know- who. And my partner You know who. FRANK I’m glad we got that straitened out. You know I was just thinking of “Whatchamacallit?” DISALVO Whatchamacallit? FRANK Whatever. I always have a problem with, you “what’s his name.” (Looking at Larry) DISALVO You’ve met him many times. FRANK His wife who will remain nameless, calls him that “so and so.” DISALVO You mean “what’s her name?” FRANK Let’s just call her Jane Doe for now. DISALVO Jane Doe? FRANK

Montiforte "Private Eye."

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 Frank Montiforte Private Eye

DISALVO Our next guest has broken open hundreds of cases and was awarded the coveted “I’m watching you,” Private Investigator award 10 years ago. Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte “Private Eye.” MONTI Thanks Frank, I couldn’t have said it better. DISALVO Are you still keeping an eye out for crime? MONTI I’ve been retired for a few years now but I still keep an eye out for mischief and mayhem. DISALVO How did you know it was time to retire. MONTI One way I knew it was time to retire was when my me and my teeth no longer slept together. DISALVO Very interesting.

MONTI I know older Private Eyes in the Business that still don’t know when it’s time. DISALVO How could they tell there time is up? MONTI One way is when the end of their tie doesn’t come close to coming anywhere near the top of their pants. DISALVO Guess they should buy longer ties. MONTI I noticed it was time to retire when the names in my little black book were mostly doctors. I knew it was time when my ears had more hair than the top of my head. DISALVO How did you get into becoming a Private Eye.

MONTI Well, to tell you the truth, when I went undercover and found my wife with another man at the “No Tell Motel.” She said he was selling vacuum cleaners or was encyclopedias. DISALVO You have to watch those traveling salesmen. MONTI That’s when I knew I was born to be a Private Eye. DISALVO Tell us about some famous cases you were involved in. MONTI One of my more famous cases was the “Dentist Caper.” A husband that hired me wanted to follow his wife around. She often visited her Dentist, he was a handsome fellow, and she was having an ongoing affair after dentist hours. I quickly discovered it was serious enough to tell her husband. DISALVO What evidence did you have? MONTI The Dentist finally ended the relationship even though she wanted it to continue. DISALVO Did her husband suspect anything? MONTI She told her dentist he didn’t suspect a thing. Not True. DISALVO Well? MONTI I interviewed the Dentist after I exposed their relationship. I asked him why did he break it off? DISALVO Yea? MONTI He said, I had to, she was down to one tooth. DISALVO Congratulations on breaking that case. We’ll have you back some time in the near future. We’ll be right back.

Montiforte "Cologne."

Wise Guys Cooking By Mike Colonna Frank Montiforte Classic Colognes

We're glad to see our favorite inventor is back with us today. Let's hear it for Frank "The Inventor" Montiforte. Frank Montiforte DiSalvo Your colognes, poweders and sprays are taking the country by storm. Tell us about them. MONTIFORTE We have hair cream, face cream, underarm roll on, we’ve even experimented with a cheese powder you can sprinkle in your shoes. DISALVO A face cream. MONTIFORTE I’ve got some right here Frank. You rub it on and you immediately have a craving for a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti. DISALVO Sounds like a win win situation Frank. MONTIFORTE Just think Frank when you put your arm around your loved one, the odor sends her to the kitchen to cook up your favorite dish.

DISALVO How’s SAy our shaving cream formula coming along. MONTIFORTE You’re gonna love it Frank. It’s got a mozzerella smell to it. The ladies are going fall in love when you shave with this creamy shaving cream. You’re face is going to smell like a pepperoni pizza. DISALVO How can we order these hard to get colognes, underarm and these famous cheese creations you’ve invented. MONTIFORTE Got to our website. Who cut da cheese, That’s WhoCutDACheese. (spell it out) Our operators are standing by. DISALVO Thank you Frank, we’ll be right back.

Montiforte "The Attic."

Frank Montiforte Aunt Bella's Attic Wise Guys Cooking Written by Mike Colonna

Open Frank DiSalvo Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. Montiforte I’ve been really busy this year looking up my family tree. DiSalvo That sounds interesting. Montiforte I was checking the attic for newspaper clippings, pictures And found one of my Aunt Bella Montiforte’s diaries. DiSalvo I’m afraid to ask.

Montiforte No Frank, she was a very clever lady. She offered advice About cooking, dressing and just life in general. For instance cooking, she was way ahead of her time, You see all these diet commercials on TV telling you what you Eat and what you shouldn’t eat. Her definition of a “Balanced Diet,” Was hold a cupcake i each hand.

She was ahead of her time, she alway’s wondered “if you’re not Supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the Refrigerator. She once said “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me A new hairstyle every morning. She was a wise woman, I remember Her telling us when we were kids, Frankie, “Don’t worry if Plan A fails, There’s 24 more letters in the alphabet.

She would always got on my uncle Alfred, Alfred you are one lazy man, my uncle would say, I’m not lazy leave me alone, I’m just very relaxed. Uncle Al would tell her “doing nothing is very hard, you never When you’re done. I could just go on and on, My favorite was “Life is short, smile While you still have your teeth. My aunt she was a very funny Woman. DiSalvo What else have you been doing?

Montiforte Well, I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my Mother-n- law to the airport. I’ve been spending lot’s of time with my kids. DiSalvo How about your wife. Montiforte I don’t know what it is between me and wives. You either Out live them or they divorce you. DiSalvo What’s your wife’s name? Montiforte It’s either Shirley or Maddy? I can’t keep track. You know I’ve suspected for some time that my Wife’s been cheating on me. The usual signs, The phone rings, if I answer, the person hangs up. DiSalvo You have to trust her Frank.

Montiforte Well she goes out with the “Girls” a lot. I asked her what Names were, she said “just some girls from my bridge Club,” You don’t know them. So one night I couldn’t sleep and waited for her to Come home, around midnight, I decided to hide in the Garage behind my golf clubs so I could see the whole Street when she arrived home with the “so called girls.” DiSalvo So you hid behind your’e golf clubs, What happened?

Montiforte Ok so I’m hiding behind my golf clubs, and I notice that The graphite shaft on my driver was cracked right near the the club head DiSavlo So you found a crack in your Graphite Shaft. Did you Catch your wife with another man? What was your First thought did you catch the guy. Montiforte My first thought was can I fix the shaft myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it. DiSalvo We’ll be right back.