1. Mariachi’s DiSalvo Capeloto Intro
One of the things I learned
In this business is how to make
People laugh. What are you
Laughing At Larry?
I was reading one of those entertainment
Magazines and that said
the funniest laugh line, when you
Open your act,
is uttering the words
“I am a married man.”
(Pause Laff Track)
A medical journal came out today
From a very famous psychiatrist. He came
Up with a theory that if life
gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...
Then find a friend who has vodka
and have a party.”
Tonight we have a great show.
our band leader is here. (Applause)
Frank Montiforti, Tony “the Godfather” is here. (Applause)
Our favorite Chicago funeral Director
Franklyn C. Stiff is hear
to talk about his new breakfast
Menu at his at his “SunnySide” Up Cemetery is here. (Applause)
And we’ll be in the kitchen with one
of our favorite Chefs. (Applause)
2. Mariachi’s DiSalvo 8 Capeloto Intro
Let’s have a big round of
Applause for Larry Capeloto.
You know Banks may be in
Big trouble. Larry was telling me
He went to the ATM machine at
His favorite bank, he tried to withdraw
Money, and an I O U came out.
You know, their rewriting history books
To be Politically correct.
One of the First things their changing
Is the Christmas story.
From now on the 3 Kings
Will bring gift certificates.
Gaining weight seems to be
On everybody’s mind these days
I saw one sign that read
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00pm
At the First Baptist Church.
Please use the large double doors.
I know one gal that attended one of
These weight loss programs.
She quit early, if you saw her
She had an hour glass figure
With a couple of minutes to spare.
We have some surprises tonight.
Our band leader will pour his
Heart out as usual.
Frank Montiforte is back with
Some of his favorite stories
Larry and Tony “The Godfather”
Dijerlando will talk about
The Shrink is back, Michael Dees
Tries to straighten out the
Tattered lives of some mentally
And our Wise Guys will visit
A famous Italian kitchen. Stick around.
3. Mariachi’s DiSalvo Capeloto Intro
There are crazy things happening
In Washington these day.
At one time we all thought the world Was flat.
Then they decided it was round.
Today we all know it’s crooked.
There’s a new study out for All of
you people that want to Live longer.
Scientists say the Most dangerous
food to eat Is wedding cake.
They say the number one fear in life
Is public speaking, and the
number 2 Fear is death.
What does that all mean?
I’ll tell you what that all means,
If you go to a funeral, you’re
Better off in a casket that giving the Eulogy.
Speaking of Death, have you ever
Wondered why funeral processions
Go through red lights. What’s the Hurry?
Tonight we’re going to have
Tonight we have our world famous
Wise Guys Cooking cast
Tony Pomponio, Frank Montiforte,
Michael Dees, Tony Dijerlando will be here.
4. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro
Welcome to Wise Guys Cooking, the
Show that asks, if the average family
Consists of 4.5 people who constitutes
Who’s the other one half a person.
The homeless problem all over is
Getting frustrating. The other day
A panhandler walked up to me
And asked “ Hey bud, could you spare
$20 for a poor unfortunate fellow?
Twenty? Isn’t that pretty steep?
The panhandler said I don’t feel great
Today, I want to get my work done early
So I can go home and relax.
Driving through traffic these days
Is like throwing your life on the line.
The other day my wife called me In a frenzy,
I said honey I can’t talk, I’m Busy,
She said I’ve got some good news
And some bad news.
I said I’m real busy, just give me The good news.
She said, the air bags work.
We are privileged to have our resident shrink
Michael Dees tonight.
Frank Montiforte just got out of jail for
Stealing 10 dollars worth of costume jewelry.
Larry Capeloto and Tony “The Godfather”
Dijerlando are with us tonight,
And a lot of other surprises.
(Applause to commercial)
5. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro
Thanks for being here tonight.
I was just thinking, When we were young, we
Want to change the world, now that we’re old,
We want to change our depends.
You know when you’re getting older
That’s when a fortune teller rather
Read your face than your palm.
Kids are so smart these days, when
I was a teenager my folks wouldn’t
Let me drive until I was 18. My grandson
Wanted to use my new corvette, he said
Gramps the Bible says that if you don’t let
Me have the car, you hate me.
I said, where does it say that?
He said Proverbs 13:24. He that spareth
The rod hateth his grandson.
We’ve go a great show for you tonight. Tony Pomponio
Is here, (applause) Frank Montiforte the Inventor is here.
Tony “the godfather” Dijerlando is here.
Franklyn C Stiff our favorite Chicago Funeral
Parlor Association President is here.
And one of our famous chefs will make
A great Italian dish.
6. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro
We’ve got a great show for you Tonight.
I read a headline in local newspaper
This morning, a blind woman gets
Kidney from Dad she hasn’t seen in years.
Another headline that caught my eye.
You know Chicago’s been known as
The home of many famous Mafia figures.
I guess it still is.
I read where a very shady character
was walking backwards
Around a building in Cicero.
He backed into a knife...(Pause) 20 times.
Yes he did.
You know these restaurants in Chicago
Have the weirdest menu’s.
I took my wife to dinner the other
Night, I asked the waiter
What’s tonight’s special.
He said the Heimlich maneuver.
Everyone’s a comedian.
In Washington their going crazy
With all these legal cases.
Last week, here in Chicago, an attorney
Asked “how long have you known the
Defendent? The Witness said
About 12 years. The attorney said tell the
Jury whether you think the defendant is
The type of man what would
steal this money or not.
The witness said ‘How much was it.”
Let’s get right to it. Tony Pomponio, Frank
Montiforte, Michael Dees, Tony Dijerlando
Are all with us tonight. And let’s
Not forget the Larry Caploto, we
Never want to forget Larry,
7. Mariachi’s Capeloto Intro
Our laws are changing everyday here
in Chicago. The other day the city council
Decided that if someone With multiple
Personalities Threatens to kill herself, it’s
Considered a hostage situation.
Maybe you heard, In Rome there
Having a drought. Their waiting
For the clouds to pour out rain.
Every fountain has been capped off.
It’s getting so hot, and dry, (howHot is it)
No really, the problem Is so serious....so hot
And dry that Priests are
Using Pinot Grigio for Baptisms.
The internet is the most frustrating
Thing on the planet. If you have a
Slow connection you know what I mean.
We asked folks how slow does they’re
When you click the “Send” Button, a
Little door opens on the side
Of your monitor, and a pigeon flies out.
You’ll love our show tonight.
Our Wise Guys Cooking regulars are here,
And we expect a lot of surprises.
8. Mariachi’s Open
We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Of course Larry Capeloto is here, Frank Montiforte is here, Tony Pomponio and Tony Dijerlando are here and lot’s of surprises. We’re here at the Dolly Sinatra lodge and as you know most all of the folks that live in the Palm Springs area are from out of town. How many folks are from the East Coast? How about the Midwest? Lot’s of folks from the West Coast.
Do we have any one from New York? Chicago? Kansas City, lot’s of Kansas City folks, Los Angeles? Almost forgot about Canada, how many folks from Canada?
We asked the audience to write down questions for Me and Ed.....with your name and where your’re from.....
Sonny Villozzi, Mark Lantero, Brian Gallo, Mark Antonelli, Teri Nelson, Patricia Welch,
Magician Jeff Hobson, Goldiggers, other entertainers, Aj’s, Slim Man,
Trini Lopez, Sharon Sills, Gouthier, etc. Fessier. Jim Mahoney, Michael Dante, Jerry.
We’ll be right back.