Thursday, July 28, 2022

Montiforte "The Florist."

MONTIFORTE THE FLORIST Wise Guys Cooking 2022 By Mike Colonna
DISALVO Let’s welcome Frank “The Florist” Montiforte. The word here in Chicago is Montiforte’s flower show is the headquarters for men in trouble with their wives and girlfriends, or both. Let’s hear it for our favorite florist Frank Montiforte. MONTIFORTE Great being with you, I’ve brought you and Larry and small token of my appreciation. CAPELOTO This smells like garlic. MONTIFORTE You guessed it, Larry, Garlic makes the heart grow fonder. You hang a piece of garlic around your neck and it will attract some of the most beautiful women in the world. DISALVO Or NOT! Tell us about your flower shop. MONTIFORTE We’ve developed quite a reputation. Flowers for all occasions. Out motto is “You’ll get more work if you don’t waste your time smelling the roses.” DISALVO Sounds like a great motto. MONTIFORTE I hold no preferences among flowers so long as they are wild, free like me. DISALVO Speaking of free, how many times have you been married? MONTIFORTE I love women Frank, what can I say, I’ve been married 7 times.
DISALVO Seven times? Oh my, your alimony payments must break the bank! MONTIFORTE My wives have always been understanding. If I pay them 60 days in advance they give me a 40% discount. DISALVO Sounds like a pretty good deal. MONTIFORTE The reason why my first wife left me was I demanded more fantasy in our relationship. DISALVO Yea? MONTIFORTE She bought me a season pass to Disneyland. My second wife was a gem, I told her we should make love more often. DISALVO What did she say.
MONTIFORTE I couldn’t hear her from the spare bedroom. DISALVO Ok, what about the rest? MONTIFORTE My third wife? I got home at 3:30 in the morning one night, and found her in bed with another man, She shouted, where have you been all night, I said who is this guy? She said don’t change the subject. DISALVO Your fourth wife? MONTIFORTE My fourth wife had so much plastic surgery, DISALVO Go ahead, MONTIFORTE She had her face lifted, her nose straightened, her legs shaped, her breasts enlarged, and she had the gall to tell me I wasn’t the same man she married. DISALVO What about the others? MONTIFORTE Number five, was a doozy. She was so ugly, I took her everywhere I went.
DISALVO Everywhere? MONTIFORTE It was better than kissing her goodbye. DISALVO We’re getting there. MONTIFORTE Well I knew my 6th wife did not want anything to do with me. On Valentine’s day she sent me a card addressed “To whom it may concern.” DISALVO Was she a good housewife? MONTIFORTE Nope, I knew she wasn’t for me. S One night she served me dinner on a Quiji Board. DISALVO A Quiji Board? MONTIFORTE The Quiji Board spelled out “There’s poison in your food.” I guess she got insulted one night, she told me she wanted to go some place I’ve never been, I said, “Try the kitchen!” DISALVO Let’s get back to the flowers. MONTIFORTE Frank I just got back from Italy, the flowers in Rome took my breath away. The grand canal in Venice was beautiful. And Florence, I bought her beautiful flowers, I was in love, again. DISALVO Florence? MONTIFORTE Yes beautiful Florence, she took me for One thousand dollars worth of traveler’s checks. DISALVO Thank’s Frank, for sharing your stories. We’ll be back.

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