Thursday, July 28, 2022
Montiforte "The Florist."
MONTIFORTE THE FLORIST
Wise Guys Cooking 2022
By Mike Colonna
DISALVO
Let’s welcome Frank “The Florist” Montiforte. The word here in Chicago is Montiforte’s flower show is the headquarters for men in trouble with their wives and girlfriends, or both. Let’s hear it for our favorite florist Frank Montiforte.
MONTIFORTE
Great being with you, I’ve brought you and Larry and small token of my appreciation.
CAPELOTO
This smells like garlic.
MONTIFORTE
You guessed it, Larry, Garlic makes the heart grow fonder. You hang a piece of garlic around your neck and it will attract some of the most beautiful women in the world.
DISALVO
Or NOT! Tell us about your flower shop.
MONTIFORTE
We’ve developed quite a reputation. Flowers for all occasions. Out motto is “You’ll get more work if you don’t waste your time smelling the roses.”
DISALVO
Sounds like a great motto.
MONTIFORTE
I hold no preferences among flowers so long as they are wild, free like me.
DISALVO
Speaking of free, how many times have you been married?
MONTIFORTE
I love women Frank, what can I say, I’ve been married 7 times.
DISALVO
Seven times? Oh my, your alimony payments must break the bank!
MONTIFORTE
My wives have always been understanding. If I pay them 60 days in advance they give me a 40% discount.
DISALVO
Sounds like a pretty good deal.
MONTIFORTE
The reason why my first wife left me was I demanded more fantasy in our relationship.
DISALVO
Yea?
MONTIFORTE
She bought me a season pass to Disneyland. My second wife was a gem, I told her we should make love more often.
DISALVO
What did she say.
MONTIFORTE
I couldn’t hear her from the spare bedroom.
DISALVO
Ok, what about the rest?
MONTIFORTE
My third wife? I got home at 3:30 in the morning one night, and found her in bed with another man, She shouted, where have you been all night, I said who is this guy? She said don’t change the subject.
DISALVO
Your fourth wife?
MONTIFORTE
My fourth wife had so much plastic surgery,
DISALVO
Go ahead,
MONTIFORTE
She had her face lifted, her nose straightened, her legs shaped, her breasts enlarged, and she had the gall to tell me I wasn’t the same man she married.
DISALVO
What about the others?
MONTIFORTE
Number five, was a doozy. She was so ugly, I took her everywhere I went.
DISALVO
Everywhere?
MONTIFORTE
It was better than kissing her goodbye.
DISALVO
We’re getting there.
MONTIFORTE
Well I knew my 6th wife did not want anything to do with me. On Valentine’s day she sent me a card addressed “To whom it may concern.”
DISALVO
Was she a good housewife?
MONTIFORTE
Nope, I knew she wasn’t for me. S
One night she served me dinner on a Quiji Board.
DISALVO
A Quiji Board?
MONTIFORTE
The Quiji Board spelled out “There’s poison in your food.” I guess she got insulted one night, she told me she wanted to go some place I’ve never been, I said, “Try the kitchen!”
DISALVO
Let’s get back to the flowers.
MONTIFORTE
Frank I just got back from Italy, the flowers in Rome took my breath away. The grand canal in Venice was beautiful. And Florence, I bought her beautiful flowers, I was in love, again.
DISALVO
Florence?
MONTIFORTE
Yes beautiful Florence, she took me for One thousand dollars worth of traveler’s checks.
DISALVO
Thank’s Frank, for sharing your stories. We’ll be back.
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