Thursday, July 28, 2022
Montiforte "Broken English."
WISE GUYS COOKING
Mike/Rocco Colonna 714-747-5670
Written by Chuck Gabrielle and Mike Colonna
Broken English Sketch
DISALVO
Today we have a special Guest from a well known University that will teach us the art of how to interpret “Broken Italian to English. Welcome Professor Leonardo Malatesta.
Professor Malatesta is wearing a black gown and a graduate tassel cap.
MALATESTA
Thank you Frank, Larry and you Frank (Montiforte). I’ma happy to be with Youz guys. That’s one of the words Italians from the East Coast use when addressing a bunch of people.
DISALVO
Youz guys, I remember that when we were kids.
MALATESTA
But Frank you have to point your finger at the pointee and emphasize the Youz.
DISALVO
Like this, “Youz” guys.
MONTIFORTE
Frank like this, (Montiforte presses DiSalvo’s cheeks together and Frank mouth’s You’z.
DISALVO
YouuuuuZ
MALATESTA
Frank, another word that is mis pronounced is “Ax me a question.”
DISALVO
Larry and Frank Montiforte are guilty of that word.
MALATESTA
Let’s see you say “Ax Me” Montiforte.
MONTIFORTE
Why am I the guinea pig here.
MALATESTA
Now that’s another word that Italians are associated with. The word Guiniea.
MONTIFORTE
That’s not a very nice word. As you know one of the reasons Italians get, what you call a bad rap,” is the misuse of the English language.
MALATESTA
After many years of frustration our University has created a class for those that want to learn about “broken English.”
DISALVO
What’s the class called?
MALATESTA
“Talk like Your Gumba.”
DISALVO
Talk like your Gumba?
MALATESTA
You got a problem with dat Frank?
DISALVO
I was just “Aking,” I mean asking.
MALATESTA
One of the many misconceptions, (looking at Montiforte a teachable momment) is most Italians like Frank here, start of a sentence with the word “AH”
MONTIFORTE
“AH” you mean “Ah what’s da madda fo you.?
MALATESTA
You hit the linquini right on the head Frank. For instance “Ima no feeling to goodah today.” You see Ah is combined to make the Italians look like “shadrools.”
DISALVO
Now that’s a tricky word.
MONTIFORTE
Funny, my mother, God bless her soul, instead of saying vegetables, she would say Ve Gi Tables. When I would get her mad, she would say, Frankie I’m gonna knock those marbles right outta you head.
DISALVO
Did She?
MONTIFORTE
Does it look like it.
CAPELOTO
Do you want an honest answer?
DISALVO
Thanks for jumping in Larry. My dad would always miss pronounce the word difficulty, he would say Di Fuk il ty.
MALATESTA
Let’s move on Frank. Another form of gretting an old friend is “Howz’a you face.” That’s a great question if you haven’t seen the person in a long time.
DISALVO
What about sign language?
MALATESTA
If you’re Sicilian and want to insult someone you take your thumb, place in the roof of your mouth, and flick it forward. You can get into a lot of trouble if the other person takes it the wrong way.
MONTIFORTE
I did that once, I forgot I had a mouthful of minestrone soup. Boy was that a mess.
MALATESTA
This is a gesture that is very dangerous. You place the wide of your hand inside your mouth with clenched teeth to the fingers, which expresses anger. This gesture does not work very well with false teeth.
Malatesta shows Montiforte the gesture. DiSalvo and Capeloto follow suit.
MONTIFORTE
I saw a guy do that once and got so mad he bit off two fingers.
MALATESTA
There’s a few others, like placing the back of your hand under your chin (showing the gesture) which means go forth and multiply.
DISALVO
Well thank you professor we’ve learned a lot, Your name is very familiar what does it mean.
MALATESTA
I’ve got a headache! Thanks for having me on your show.
DISALVO
We’ll be back so stick around.
Montiforte sketch "Forgetting."
WISE GUYS COOKING POMPONIO FORGETTING
Mike Colonna 714-747-5670
DISALVO
Let’s welcome our band leader our friend and yours, Tony Pomponio.
POMPONIO
Frank It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I remembered your name. Lately I’ve had a lot of problems.
DISALVO
What kind of problems?
POMPONIO
I’m forgetting everything. It’s getting to the point I know in advance what I’ll forget.
DISALVO
I know what you mean.
POMPONIO
What’s your name again.
DISALVO
Frank. If that doesn’t work just call be “you know.”
POMPONIO
I was at a party I don’t know when and I introduced my wife of 42 years to a friend. I forgot her name.
DISALVO
Not good.
POMPONIO
It seems to happen lately at all of the parties I go to. When I introduce myself the other night I said hi, I’m I’m you’ll have to forgive me I forgot. I’m terrible with names.
DISALVO
Our memories aren’t what they used to be.
POMPONIO
It’s so bad, yesterday I forgot why I walked into the bathroom.
DISALVO
That is not a good thing.
POMPONIO
It’s not forgetting things completely that bothers me, it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something that I forgot.
DISALVO
How’s your wife putting up with you?
POMPONIO
I don’t know, last week it was our anniversary, the only way I remembered is when my wife through a bag of rice on my head.
DISALVO
That’s bad.
POMPONIO
Bad? Your telling me. My wife asked me about our marriage. She said if you had it to do all over again, would you? I said would I what.
DISALVO
I hope all is not lost.
POMPONIO
I was telling a joke the other day, I forgot why the two bears were in the woods.
DISALVO
Everyone knows why two bears went in the woods.
POMPONIO
I don’t remember why two bears were in the woods.
DISALVO
One good thing about losing your memory is you do get to meet knew people every day.
POMPONIO
You know I go to a memory class every week on Friday, or is it Tuesday, Frank I forgot.
DISALVO
You look normal.
POMPONIO
I know Frank except for three things, names, faces and something else. I guess you could call me a psychic.
DISALVO
A psychic?
POMPONIO
I know in advance what I’ll forget.
DISALVO
Well help is on he way. It’s called a commercial. We’ll be right back.
Friday, July 15, 2022
DiSalvo Capeloto Dees "Franklyn C. Stiff"
Stiff Sketch 1
Frank DiSalvo
Let’s welcome the
President of the Chicago
Funeral Parlor’s
Association Franklyn C.
Stiff. We’re honored to
have You back on Wise
Guys Cooking.
Franklyn Stiff
I am pleased to be here
“ALIVE”
on your show again.
Frank DiSalvo
How was the Grand Opening
of you’re new Sunny Side
Up Cemetery? I heard it
was something to behold.
Stiff
Thanks To my daughter
STILLA
Who’s in charge of our
Living Human Resources
Department. She worked
very hard to make our
grand opening full of
life and excitement.
Frank DiSalvo
Your daughter? STILLA
STIFF?
Stiff
Yes, my wonderful
daughter
Stilla Stiff. She has Her
masters degree in
Cremation Studies.
Frank DiSalvo
Cremation Studies?
Stiff
Yes Frank, STILLA
graduated with honors
From “Last Watch
University.” Her major
Was “Full Body
Cremation.”
DiSalvo
How did she liven things
up?
Stiff
Yes Frank, she’s created
“Sunny Side Up Cemetery.”
Frank DiSalvo
How did Stilla come up
with the name “Sunny Side
Up Cemetery”???
Larry Capeloto
I’ll have a side of bacon and a biscuit.
2.
Frank DiSalvo
Larry we’re talking about
very a serious matters
here.
Larry Capeloto
Just trying a little
gallows humor.
Frank DiSalvo
Save it Larry.
How has she uplifted the
Sunny Side Up Cemetery.
Stiff
Yes the name of “Sunny
Side Up Cemetery.” STILLA
has created a new vision
that gives our deceased
friends the feeling that
they’re coming home.
DiSalvo
Coming home?
Stiff
Yes Frank, I’d like to
invite you and Larry to
come home. Stilla can
give you a personalized
tour of our crematorium.
3.
DiSalvo
I’m sure it would be a
trip to remember. Right
Larry. (looks over at
Larry he’s dozing off)
Larry would love to
visit, right Larry.
(Nudges Larry)
LARRY
Right on!
Stiff
Stilla’s redesigned our
lovely cemetery with
vibrnt flowers, local
art, and bubbling water
features that line the
paths that wind
throughout our 50 acres
of botanical gardens.
LARRY
Sounds like heaven on
earth.
STIFF
I’ve picked out some
spectacular grave sites
for you Larry and your
Wise Guys Cooking cast.
Side by side plots, as it
were, that could serve as
your final resting
places. You and your pals
can enjoying the mirth
and merriment Above and
Below the ground while
your audience watches
repeats Of your TV show.
4.
Larry
(Ad Lib) Kind of like a
“Drive In” for the dead.
DiSalvo
We’ll take a rain check
on that Franklyn. What
else can you tell us
about Sunny Side Up
Cemetery?
Stiff
Sunny Side Up Cemetery is
Very welcoming. For
instance, one our clients
recently lost her loved
one, the family honored
his life by roasting baby
back ribs in a fire pit
next to the grave site
with family members.
DISALVO
Baby back ribs?
Yes Frank, Rather than
Having a traditional
funeral gathering with
guests in Dark suits and
formal dresses the family
dressed in Hawaiian
shorts and leis huddled
around their loved One’s
grave site having a good
old Fashioned Tail Gate
Party.
5.
DiSalvo
That sounds like a great
Celebration of life. You
and your family Have
really thought this
thru. We’re running out
of time Franklyn hope you
comeback.
STIFF
Funny you should say
“running out of time,”
let me give you these 30%
off certificates for
cremations. They are
transferrable give them
to your friends and loved
ones.
DiSalvo
Let’s hear it for
Franklyn C. Stiff. We’ll
be back after these
messages
Stiff 2
Thank you ladies and
gentlemen. Our Frequent
guest has become a leader
in the funeral business.
(MORE)
6.
Let’s welcome the
President of the Chicago
Funeral Parlor’s
Association President A
big warm hand for
Franklyn C. Stiff.
STIFF
Thank you Frank for that
introduction, remember
“we all came from dust
and will return to dust.”
AS it were. That’s why
our cremations are the
best in the business. I
digress, we’re here to
talk about the funeral
business, are we not
Frank?
DISALVO
Yes we are Franklyn,
Thanks for opening our
eyes about how we got
here and were we’re
going.
STIFF
Yes Frank, that’s why
we’ve almost thought of
everything. We want to
shirk the conventional
customs of death by
changing attitudes about
the end of life. One
funeral at a time.
DiSalvo (CONT'D)
7.
DISALVO (CONT’D)
I love the way you’ve
streamlined how funerals
are conducted.
STIFF
Yes Frank, More
personalized ceremonies,
attention to funeral
planning, environmental
concerns and a wish for
lower costs so we can
breathe new life into the
business of death.
DISALVO
What are some of your
ideas Franklyn.
Stiff
My wife Stella together
with my daughter Stilla
Stiff, have created a
cheer full atmosphere for
families of the deceased.
showing their gratitude
by welcoming their
friends for monthly grave
site barbecues.
DISALVO
Grave site Barbecues?
8.
STIFF
Yes Frank, and you too
Larry, I don’t want to
leave you out of our
conversation...as they
gather around the BBQ, by
contributing to, What we
call, our 50/50 fund
raiser.
DISALVO
I’ve heard of those 50/50
fund raisers. Tell us how
they work.
STIFF
We pass the hat, the
winner collects half of
the donations while the
other half goes to Sunny
Side Up Cemetery.
DISALVO
How clever, always
thinking Franklyn. We’ll
be back after these short
messages.
STIFF 3
DISALVO
Our next guest has become
a regular on our show.
He’s breathed new life
into the funeral
business. Let’s welcome
Franklyn C. Stiff.
(MORE)
9.
Franklyn you’ve showcased
the lighter side of the
funeral business. It’s
not the somber event that
so many expected.
Stiff
That’s right Frank, It’s
wonderful to see the
peaceful smiles settle
over the faces of
families on their way to
our Yoga classes.
DISALVO
Yoga classes?
STIFF
We’re bringing life back
to the funeral business.
One body at a time.
LARRY
One body at a time.
STIFF
Yes Larry, At Sunny Side
Up Cemetery it’s
delightful to watch
mourners as they meander
through the foliage that
blooms around gravestones
on their weekly yoga
classes. While they lay
down on their yoga mats.
DISALVO
Yoga at funeral services,
how unique. What are some
of the positions?
DISALVO (CONT'D)
10.
STIFF
Our most popular position
is Shavasana, or as we
call it the Corpse Pose.
DISALVO
The corpse pose, of
course?
STIFF
The Corpse Pose is a
modern yoga exercise,
often used for relaxation
at the end of a session.
It captures the moment
with when you join your
loved one below the
ground. It brings you
close to the grave, as it
were.
DiSalvo
A pose to behold I’m
sure. How clever. Having
you here digging up life
and death issues. Thanks
Franklyn, let’s have a
hand for our guest
Franklyn C. Stiff.
Stiff 4
DiSalvo
Once again we welcome the
President of the Chicago
Funeral Parlor
Association Franklyn C.
Stiff.
(MORE)
11.
His family has helped
many grieving Mourners
during the passing of the
their Loved ones. Let’s
have a big Funeral
Director welcome for
Franklyn C. Stiff.
Franklyn welcome to Wise
Guys Cooking Again. Our
audience comes to life
every time you visit our
show.
STIFF
Thank you for your kind
words Frank, and even
though you have not said
anything Larry, I still
have the two for one
package Of crematorium
discount coupons you can
and your loved one can
use any time. They do
have an 2 year expiration
date. Don’t let this
opportunity die.
DISALVO
Die?
LARRY
Later rather then sooner,
I hope.
DiSalvo (CONT'D)
12.
DISALVO
Being a funeral director
must be quite an
undertaking.
STIFF
We’ll Frank we have
stayed Away from that
pejorative title In favor
of Caretakers of the
Terminally deceased. Or
as I like to put it, we
are The procurers of
“Sacred spaces.”
DISALVO
What are some of the new
trends in the Funeral
Business.
STIFF
Unlike some of the
underworld folks here in
Chicago we don’t get paid
to hide bodies. But there
is a rise of bizarre
extreme embalming.
DISALVO
Tell our audience about
this new trend.
STIFF
Larry would appreciate,
there is a trend where
the deceased are
arranged in lifelike
poses so they can attend
their own funerals.
13.
DISALVO
Larry would be great at
this.
STIFF
Using Larry for an
example, he wouldn't be
seen dead in a boring old
coffin, he would be posed
up like a waxwork at his
funeral. Right Larry?
LARRY
When I go I want to be
remembered how I was
alive and looking my
best.
STIFF
We wouldn’t have it any
other way Larry. Larry,
just in case you get cold
feet we can always tie
your shoe laces together.
LARRY
You’re always thinking
out of the box.
STIFF
Remember your two for one
gift certificates Larry,
don’t let them expire.
LARRY
We’ll get right on it
Franklyn.
DISALVO
“You’re a funeral
director?
(MORE)
14.
That must be quite the
undertaking.” Competition
must be stiff. What is
the main cause of death?
STIFF
Too many birthdays.
DISALVO
Well there you have it
folks, another walk in
the cemetery with our
favorite funeral
director, Franklyn C.
Stiff. We’ll be right
back.
Stiff 5
DiSalvo
Once again we welcome the
President of the Chicago
Funeral Parlor
Association Franklyn C.
Stiff. His family has
helped many grieving
Mourners during the
passing of the their
Loved ones. Every time he
appears on our show,
Franklyn C. Stiff
breathes a little life in
our audience. Let’s have
a big Funeral Director
welcome for Franklyn C.
Stiff.
DISALVO (CONT'D)
15.
Larry
Stilla Stiff?
DiSalvo
You’ve thought of
everything. That is a
very innovative way to
End a funeral.
Stiff
It’s an incredibly sad
and somber event, I see a
lot of our families
choosing to Focus on life
and not on death.
DiSalvo
You were telling me that
you Have a choir that
sings while The drone is
flying around Sunny Side
Up Cemetery?
LARRY AD LIB
DiSalvo
I imagine day or night
this is a Spectacular
event.
Stiff
Yes Frank we focus on the
best Aspects of the loved
one and the Wonderful
things about their life.
16.
Larry
You have a very creative
mind, Sounds very
impressive.
Stiff
Thank you Larry for
jumping in, We do make
this an event where
People want to be and
want To come back. It’s
like watching the
fireworks Shows at
Wrigley Field on Friday
nights. Incidentally we
do offer a fireworks show
If your family desires to
end the festivities With
a “Big Bang.”
DiSalvo
Sounds like you’ve
planned for everything.
STIFF
DiSalvo
And what would that be,
Franklyn?
Stiff
In gold lettering, this
says it all. “The
passenger is this coach
will Be put to bed with a
shovel.”
17.
DiSalvo
I guess that says it all.
Stiff
This historical coach
will be displayed In
front of a large
tombstone at Sunny Side
Up cemetery during Our
first annual car show.
DiSalvo
A car show, that’s a
great idea.
Stiff
We will encourage our
deceased members Families
to donate their loved
one’s Cars and display
them at Sunny Side Up
Cemetery. We call it our
“Cars for Caskets” Fund
raiser.
DiSalvo
Cars for Caskets.
Stiff
Yes this annual car show
will feature Your loved
ones automobile, truck or
Tractor, rumble up next
to your loved Ones
headstone as classic car
Aficionados mingle among
the living And the dead.
18.
DISALVO
Must be a very popular
event.
STIFF
Yes it is. And for a few
extra dollars, we can
create a cardboard figure
of your loved one sitting
in the drivers seat.
Frank, I’ve seen these
lifelike images, and you
would never think your
loved one was dead.
DiSalvo
Larry and I would love to
attend one of these
events.
How can we get free
tickets to this ground
breaking event.
Stiff
My daughter Stilla Stiff,
will give you a free pass
to our “Sacred Spaces
Car Show.” Right now we
have hundreds of folks
waiting for
cancellations.
LARRY AD LIB
How can we get to the
head of the line
Franklyn.
19.
STIFF
Well Larry that’s simple.
Make an appointment to
get fitted for one of our
custom coffins. That will
move you to the front of
the line.
DiSalvo
Larry you better reserve
a spot while Your still
standing. We always
appreciate your service
improving the life and
death decisions that
grieving families face
when burying their loved
ones. Let’s hear it for
Franklyn C. Stiff and all
of the stiffs in his
family.
Stiff 6
DiSalvo (CONT’D)
Franklyn C. Stiff is a
frequent guest On our
show. Franklyn has
received A special award
from the Chicago Funeral
Parlor’s Association
board Directors. Let’s
welcome our pal Franklyn
C. Stiff.
Stiff
Thank You Frank.
20.
DISALVO
Tell us about this
special award called the
“Final Destination Award”
you’ve Received.
Stiff
Well Frank, I not one to
brag but also Deserving
of this award is my wife,
Stella, My daughter
Stilla Stiff, and my
brother n Law Henry
Lipshitz. They have all
created an Atmosphere
around our Sunny Side Up
Cemetery that is worthy
of praise. We are a
“final destination” for
the deceased, as it were.
DiSalvo
Your innovative ideas are
the talk of Chicago.
Stiff
Yes Frank, At Sunny Side
Up cemetery We’ve created
a potluck theme were
Funeral attendees kick
off their shoes, Blast
Reggee and Hip Hop music
and share stories of
their Departed loved
ones.
DiSalvo
Is it catching on?
21.
Stiff (CONT’D)
Thank you for asking
Larry, yes. We even have
kids dressing up in Grim
Reaper and Spiderman
outfits, little girls and
boys Dressing like prince
and princess, and Adults
dressed in zombie outfits
portraying Their favorite
characters in “the
Walking Dead.”
DiSalvo
Sound like you’ve created
a theme park And wax
museum. With the deceased
Families permission we
will, a A cut rate price
have a life size Wax
statue of your loved one.
One special treat is your
deceased Loved one could
be holding A glass of
wine or a martini
toasting you as you walk
by. Isn’t that special?
Larry
Who came up with that
idea?
Stiff
My daughter Stilla.
Larry
Your daughter Stilla
Stiff.
22.
Stiff
Correct. Remember Frank
and Larry We are
innovators. My daughter
Stilla Has designated
areas in our Botanical
gardens that family
Members that desire to
have Their loved one
honored for Decades can
use their ashes as plant
Food for young sprouting
trees.
DiSalvo
It sounds like you’ve
thought of Everything.
Stiff
I’m just the messenger.
My wife Stella, daughter
Stilla Stiff and brothern-law Henry Lipshitz
deserve all the credit.
Their constantly thinking
Up new ideas to help the
families of the
“Terminally dead.”
DiSalvo
I know you have a son, is
he involved With Sunny
Side Up Cemetery.
Stiff
My son Stanley Stiff is
in the process of Opening
a breakfast bar at the
main Entrance of Sunny
Side Up Cemetery.
23.
DiSalvo
I’m afraid to ask, what
his Menu look like.
Stiff
We call it the Sunny Side
Up Breakfast Bar. Menu,
Appetizers, main courses
and specials Are in the
planning stages.
DISALVO
Larry and I can’t wait to
visit your Sunny Side Up
Breakfast Bar.
Stiff
We will offer specials
that will Be designed to
keep you healthy While
giving you credit for
Every dollar spent toward
An account that used For
any future funeral needs.
You can use these credits
toward future services
you or your family may
require when your
reach...you know in the
event You choose to join
your loved one In their
special place.
DiSalvo
When you come back for
another visit We’ll talk
about that and other
Plans you have for the
Sunny Side Up Cemetery.
Again Thanks Franklyn,
you’ve been Thought
Provoking.
(MORE)
24.
We hope your cemetery
will Be the last thing a
family thinks off when
they lose their loved
one. That didn’t come out
right.
Stiff 7
DiSalvo
Life and death
experiences are what our
Frequent guest is all
about. Let’s welcome
again, our Favorite
funeral Director Franklyn
C. Stiff President of the
Chicago Funeral Parlor’s
Association.
Stiff
Thank You Frank. A
special shout out To your
Wise Guys Cooking
audience, They’ve made
Our Sunny Side Up
cemetery one of the Most
visited and sought after
final destinations In
Chicago.
DiSalvo
Did you say final
destinations.
DiSalvo (CONT'D)
25.
Stiff
Did I say Final. Well
Frank you Know what I
mean.
DiSalvo
Since we last had you on
our show We talked about
your son Stanley Stiff
Opening up a Breakfast
Bar at Sunny Side Up
Cemetery.
DISALVO
How’s that coming along?
Stiff
We call it our “Sleepy
Hollow” menu. It’s
designed to get you in
and out Of Sleepy Hollow
so you can spend More
time with your deceased
Loved one.
DiSalvo
What are the names of
some of Your breakfast
plates.
Stiff
We have a breakfast suchi
plate Called Hari Kari.
It’s one of my Favorites.
(MORE)
26.
Another popular breakfast
treat Are eggs topped
with a special Native
American sauce called The
Last of the Mohicans.
Last but not least, an
original recipe Created
by my daughter Stilla
Stiff, The end of the
Rainbow. And she created
a desert menu that Bar
none.
DiSalvo
What are some of your
favorites?
STIFF
“The Last Dance” Omelette
“I had you babe” bacon
and eggs.
“It’s Now or never.”
Pancake sandwich.
DISALVO
Close
Stiff 8
DISALVO
We proud to have our
favorite Funeral Parlor
Director Franklyn C.
Stiff today. As you know
he’s received numerous
awards from the Chicago
Funeral Parlor’s
Association.
Stiff (CONT'D)
(MORE)
27.
Lady’s and gentlemen last
have a “warm hand” for
Franklyn C Stiff.
STIFF
Thank you Frank. I
delighted to be here with
you today.
DISALVO
I see you’ve brought your
brother Stanley Stiff
with you.
STIFF
Yes Frank, he’s been
styling hair for our
deceased patrons for the
past 15 years.
DISALVO
I didn’t know you’re
funeral parlor offered
this service.
STIFF
Yes Frank, this is one of
the bonuses your receive
if you want your loved
one to look his or her
very best when you visit
them during funeral
services.
DISALVO
Let’s welcome Franklyn C.
Stiff’s brother Stanley
Stiff to our Wise Guys
Cooking audience.
Stiff and Stiff shake hands with Larry and
Frank.
DISALVO (CONT'D)
28.
STANLEY
I have a unique job,
Frank. Making sure our
clientele look their very
best for their grieving
families. I’ve never had
any complaints.
DISALVO
How long have you been a
hairstylist to the dead?
STANLEY
Frank this is really a
side gig for me. My salon
is next to Franklyn’s
Funeral Parlor.
DISALVO
What is the name of your
salon.
STANLEY
The Curly up and Dye
Salon.
DISALVO
The Curly up and Dye
Salon? Dye?
STANLEY
It’s spelled D Y E. You
know Mr. Disalvo, not the
word Die, D I E.
DISALVO
Glad we got that
straight!
29.
STANLEY
This side job at my
brothers Funeral Parlor
helps pay for gas and my
motorcycle payment, I
also have a small band
that plays at the funeral
home on Sunday nights
called Stanley and the 4
Stiffs.
DISALVO
Sounds like the Stiff
family has talent.
STIFF
You should hear them
Frank, they play music
you love, right out of
the Great American Song
book.
DISALVO
I’d love to sing with
your band some Sunday
night.
STIFF
Frank you would love our
Funeral Parlors signature
tune, “Save The Last
Dance For Me.”
DISALVO
Stanley how did you get
this job?
30.
STANLEY
If I recall Frank, and my
brother can clarify this,
after I gave him a
haircut at my salon, he
asked me if I was
interested in a life
changing part time job.
DISALVO
And?
STANLEY
I said of course, when
can I start. He told me
he had a body over at the
funeral parlor and I
could start right after
work. After all it was
right next door.
DISALVO
How did your first
meeting with, you know,
STANLEY
Franklyn did not want to
leave me alone for my
first job. He was kind
enough to wheel the first
dead person into the
showroom.
STIFF
That was perfectly
understandable, don’t you
think Frank?
DISALVO
Absolutely.
31.
STIFF
I introduced Stanley to
his first customer so
they could be on a first
name basis.
STANLEY
Franklyn did not want to
leave me alone. But it
was really comfortable
after were introduced. I
asked what their names
were. When he left, I
made small talk to
familiarized myself with
the deceased so I didn’t
feel like I was
intruding.
DISALVO
How is it different to
style a dead person?
Franklyn?
STIFF
Speaking from experience,
It doesn’t take as long
because you only have to
do the sides and the
front. But since they’re
lying down it’s
challenging because you
have to get it to look
they’re standing up.
DISALVO
How is this different
than working in your
salon?
32.
STANLEY
I’m used to people
talking at me all day,
complaining about their
lives, gossiping. So it’s
a nice way to end the
day—making someone
beautiful who can’t talk
to you.
DISALVO
Franklyn, you’re brother
Stanley sound like a
natural.
STANLEY
I really enjoy working at
the Funeral parlor. I can
sing rehearse my forties
tunes, old standards even
some hip hop. You know
Frank, you never know if
they’re watching but if
they are watching, I want
it to be uplifting for
them.
DISALVO
Do you ever wonder what
they’re thinking.
STIFF
Frank, remember their
dead.
DISALVO
Stanley?
STANLEY
I don’t get scared or
freaked out.
(MORE)
33.
I’ll say, “If I’m doing
something you don’t like,
just let me know.” Then
I’m a little scared
they’re going to let me
know.
DISALVO
Is it totally creepy?
STIFF
I have to thank my
brother Stanley for being
so patient. He looks very
comfortable styling our
clients hair. Some times
he’s in a room with 6
bodies, it looks
overwhelming.
STANLEY
You know Frank,
I talk to them and the
only difficulty is trying
to hear them talking
back.
DISALVO
Well, many thanks to the
Stiff Brothers. Franklyn
and Stanley, we’ll be
right back after this
short break.
STIFF 9
34.
DISALVO (CONT’D)
We’re here again with our
favorite mortician, the
President of the Chicago
Funeral Parlor
Association, Franklyn C
Stiff. Let’s give
Franklyn C. Stiff a big
hand.
DISALVO (CONT’D)
We’re happy to have you
back, Death is always in
the back of your mind.
STIFF
Death. It's a subject
that haunts us all.
Frank. When someone we
love dies, we're faced
with the reality that our
own demise is imminent.
DISALVO
That shakes us to the
core. We all fear death,
yet none of us can escape
it.
STIFF
I’ve seen it all. Hit and
run accidents, wives
catching their husbands
with another woman.
DISALVO
There are many causes of
death.
35.
STIFF
Yes Frank and Larry, a
woman I know caught her
husband cheating, and
beat him with a nine
iron. Then she had the
audacity of posting her
score at her local
country club.
DISALVO
What did she post.
STIFF
The autopsy showed that
she hit him at least 7
times, but posted a par.
DISALVO
We understand the need of
those left behind to
grieve for their loss.
It's a necessary part of
the healing process. The
sorrow of losing a loved
one is overwhelming.
STIFF
In that time of
heartache, it's important
to remember to laugh.
While we should mourn the
loss of someone near and
dear, we should also
remember to celebrate a
life well lived. And
that’s what we’re all
about at Sunny Side Up
Mortuary here in the
Greater Chicago area.
36.
DISALVO
We should gather to
appreciate a person whose
mission on earth had been
properly, and
successfully completed.
STIFF
And we do it all Frank
and Larry. I want you
both to know that we’re
waiting to give you a
complimentary private
tour of our cemetery from
beginning to end.
DISALVO
Did you say end?
STIFF
Yes Frank, we handle all
of your needs. From your
first phone call to my
daughter Stilla Stiff, we
can pick up your loved
one, make sure to get
them to the morgue on
time, and within minutes
we will fast track their
autopsy and e-mail you
all of the information
you need.
DISALVO
Get you to the morgue “on
time.”
STIFF
Get you to the morgue “on
time,” that’s right
Frank. And we’ll handle
everything from beginning
to end.
37.
DISALVO
Does that mean you will
create an obituary that
will cheer up the family.
STIFF
Yes Frank, obituaries are
the perfect way to honor
someone who has left this
mortal realm. And we do
write some hilarious and
creative obituaries that
the family can keep for
posterity.
DISALVO
Can you give us a sample
of some of the work your
staff has written.
STIFF
One of our deceased
clients Bill Morton was
never one to shy away
from his obligations, he
did to do the jobs that
everyone else was too
afraid to do. He was a
minister of a sort. Bill
preached to farmers far
and wide. Throughout the
course of his ministry,
he successfully converted
hundreds of thousands of
straight-laced ladies and
gentlemen into ardent and
faithful into the age old
practice of “breaking
wind.”
DISALVO
Breaking wind. Very
interesting.
38.
STIFF
He received many awards.
His most valued was an
award from The Society
for the Advancement of
Healthy Bodily Functions.
DISALVO
This should be
interesting.
STIFF
Mr. Mortan was awarded
the coveted The Golden
Whoopee Cushion (which is
basically like the Nobel
Peace Prize of gas
passers). He cherished
the honor up until the
day he died. Rest in
peace, Bill Eves. You
will be missed.
DISALVO
Was his family satisfied
with his obituary?
STIFF
You know, it's just too
bad that Bill never got
to witness his wife
cutting the cheese.
Someday, the loving
couple will meet again.
For Bill's sake, we hope
that people can still
pass gas in the
afterlife.
DISALVO
A very touching obituary.
You’re staff has a flare
for comedy.
39.
STIFF
Yes my daughter Stilla
Stiff worked her way
through college doing
“stand up” at the Chicago
Comedy Club. We’re
experimenting with the
deceased standing at
funerals with their arms
welcoming mourners.
DISALVO
Can you give us another
sample?
STIFF
Another classic, Very
simple but respectful.
Joe “the Joker” D’Mato.
96, Joey died with a set
of perfect dentures. He
went through his second
childhood after he went
to the dentist and had
braces put on his
dentures. His family
loved our obituary.
DISALVO
Braces on his dentures?
STIFF
Yes Frank then there was
106 year old Jerry,”Never
say die,”Campioni. His
Obit read, “Jerry would
have lived 10 years
longer if he wasn’t shot
by a jealous husband.”
DISALVO STIFF DEES "BALD"
Thanks again for taking
us behind the humourous
side of the funeral
business. Let’s hear it
for Franklyn C. Stiff.
Franklyn C. Stiff
Bald Sketch
DISLAVO
Tonight let’s welcome our favorite mortician. A man that won’t let you down, especially if he thinks your still breathing, Franklyn C. Stiff.
STIFF
Thank you Frank and Larry. It’s been a long time. I see where you still haven’t used our discount coupons for half off on your next visit to our “crematorium.”
DISLAVO
I think I’m speaking for Larry, we really don’t want to rush things.
STIFF
I can understand that.
STIFF (CONT’D)
You both know my daughter Stilla, graduated with honors from Embalming School. The Stiff’s are very proud of her.
DISLAVO
Well how did she come up with this bald idea?
STIFF
Well, Frank, she recognized that most of our terminally still clients needed a new look for their final viewing. And “walla” her idea was a big success.
DISLAVO
That sounds very interesting.
STIFF
It’s new cutting age thinking.
DISALVO
Cutting edge?
STIFF
Yes Frank when you take the plunge into shaving your head and embracing your new look, all those horrible feelings about losing your hair turn create a new and positive identity.
DISALVO
You see more TV and movie heart throbs are bald.
STIFF
We have a big announcement to make on your show tonight. It’s only right since you’ve made our Sunny Side Up Mortuary such a success. Your the first to know.
DISALVO
What is it Franklyn?
STIFF
The Stiff Family is very excited to announce that we’ve received a call from one of the big networks asking if our family is interested in a new TV Soap opera.
DISALVO
That’s great. What’s it called.
STIFF
“The Bald and the Beautiful.”
DISALVO
You should be excited Franklyn.
STIFF
Speaking for my wife Stella, daughter Stilla and the whole Stiff Family we are proud that our mortuary and Cemetery Show will be ground breaking.
LARRY
Ground breaking seems to put the nail on the coffin.
STIFF
Larry you have a way with words.
I’ve brought some pictures of some of the stars they want to cast as leading men.
DISALVO
Great name for a show about bald men.
DISLAVO
You see more TV and Movie heart throbs are bald.
DISLAVO (CONT’D)
You see more TV and Movie heart throbs are bald.
STIFF
I brought a few pictures of some of the baldest guys in show business. (VO pictures) Bruce Willis for instance, before and after, the women just love him for his baldness. Shaquille O’Neal, became a millionaire. His bald head made him stand out on the basketball court. And if you’re religious, like the Stiff family, be aware that the Pope, and Daila Lama are as bald as a newborn babyies.
LARRY
What would I look like Bald.
STIFF
I’m glad you asked that question. I’ve brought along a pictures of what the two of you would look like bald. very handsome, don’t you think? (VO pictures of DiSalvo and Capeloto)
LARRY
I’m getting my head shaved after the show.
STIFF
I think Larry would look just fine. Just think of how popular you’ll be with the opposite sex.
LARRY
You think that would help?
DISLAVO
In your case, anything would help. If you go bald you’ll like a hundred fifty watt light bulb.
LARRY
I was thinking of a handsome Mr. Clean.
STIFF
I brought a few pictures of some of the baldest guys in show business. (VO pictures) Bruce Willis for instance, before and after, the women just love him for his baldness. Shaquille O’Neal, became a millionaire. His bald head made him stand out on the basketball court. And if you’re religious, like the Stiff family, be aware that the Pope, and Daila Lama are as bald as a newborn babyies.
LARRY
What would I look like Bald.
STIFF
I’m glad you asked that question. I’ve brought along a pictures of what the two of you would look like bald. very handsome, don’t you think? (VO pictures of DiSalvo and Capeloto)
LARRY
I’m getting my head shaved after the show.
STIFF
I think Larry would look just fine. Just think of how popular you’ll be with the opposite sex.
LARRY
You think that would help?
DISLAVO
In your case, anything would help. If you go bald you’ll like a hundred fifty watt light bulb.
LARRY
I was thinking of a handsome Mr. Clean.
STIFF
We’re trying to sign Bruce Willis, Shaquille O’Neal, the Pope when he’s available, and the Daila Lama. All great men, that have sex appeal. (VO Pix)
LARRY
If I get my head shaved can I audition for a part?
DISLAVO
Larry they’re looking for sex appeal.
STIFF
I think Larry would be perfect. I think you and Larry could be part of the Bald and the Beautiful. (VO Pictures of Bald DiSalvo and Capeloto.)
DISLAVO
Franklyn let’s show you’re brand new identity.
Stiff removes his hat.
STIFF
What a difference, what do you think Larry?
LARRY
We’ll I’ll be a bald headed eagle.
STIFF
I’m glad you like it, Larry.
LARRY
My ex-wife could use some of that stuff.
STIFF
As you both know my daughter Stilla, graduated with honors from Embalming School. My wife Stella and our family of Stiff’s are very proud of her.
DISLAVO
Well how did she come up with this bald idea?
STIFF
Well, It all started a few years back. I was taking the family on a two week cruise, we invited friends to see us off, as we waved to them from the third deck, my hair piece kept flapping up and down slapping
against my bald head.
DISLAVO
That sounds like it was embarrassing.
STIFF
The wind blew my toupee off of my head fortuntely someone below caught it. That’s when I knew it was time.
DISLAVO
Franklyn, I had no idea you’ve been wearing a piece.
STIFF
I personally liked to call it a toupee.
LARRY
My dad wore a rug for years. We called it pelt since he was half American Indian.
DISLAVO
Your dad wore a pelt? I mean a rug?
LARRY
Frank they call it a “toup” for short.
DISLAVO
I guess that would beat wearing a comb over.
STIFF
Many of our deceased men, and some women wore what you would call a “dime store toupee.” It was attached with “velcro.”
DISLAVO
Sounds like it make a screeching sound when you ripped it off.
STIFF
That’s one of the reasons Stella though I should shave my head.
Now she thinks she’s sleeping with another man.
DISLAVO
She was probably excited.
STIFF
It took a few weeks to recover.
DISLAVO
You mean she wasn’t sure who you were with out rug, I mean toupee.
STIFF
No Frank without my toupee, I looked like a new man. Now we offer a variety of toupee’s for families that want a new look for their deceased loved ones.
DISLAVO
Sounds like a winner.
STIFF
Yes Frank, we call our line of toupee’s 50 Shades of Grey. The women love it.
DISLAVO
That sounds great. Maybe we can talk about that after the show. Ladies and gentlemen let’s hear it for Franklyn C. Stiff.
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