Thursday, July 28, 2022

Montiforte "Broken English."

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike/Rocco Colonna 714-747-5670 Written by Chuck Gabrielle and Mike Colonna Broken English Sketch
DISALVO Today we have a special Guest from a well known University that will teach us the art of how to interpret “Broken Italian to English. Welcome Professor Leonardo Malatesta. Professor Malatesta is wearing a black gown and a graduate tassel cap. MALATESTA Thank you Frank, Larry and you Frank (Montiforte). I’ma happy to be with Youz guys. That’s one of the words Italians from the East Coast use when addressing a bunch of people. DISALVO Youz guys, I remember that when we were kids. MALATESTA But Frank you have to point your finger at the pointee and emphasize the Youz. DISALVO Like this, “Youz” guys.
MONTIFORTE Frank like this, (Montiforte presses DiSalvo’s cheeks together and Frank mouth’s You’z. DISALVO YouuuuuZ MALATESTA Frank, another word that is mis pronounced is “Ax me a question.” DISALVO Larry and Frank Montiforte are guilty of that word. MALATESTA Let’s see you say “Ax Me” Montiforte. MONTIFORTE Why am I the guinea pig here. MALATESTA Now that’s another word that Italians are associated with. The word Guiniea. MONTIFORTE That’s not a very nice word. As you know one of the reasons Italians get, what you call a bad rap,” is the misuse of the English language.
MALATESTA After many years of frustration our University has created a class for those that want to learn about “broken English.” DISALVO What’s the class called? MALATESTA “Talk like Your Gumba.” DISALVO Talk like your Gumba?
MALATESTA You got a problem with dat Frank? DISALVO I was just “Aking,” I mean asking. MALATESTA One of the many misconceptions, (looking at Montiforte a teachable momment) is most Italians like Frank here, start of a sentence with the word “AH” MONTIFORTE “AH” you mean “Ah what’s da madda fo you.? MALATESTA You hit the linquini right on the head Frank. For instance “Ima no feeling to goodah today.” You see Ah is combined to make the Italians look like “shadrools.”
DISALVO Now that’s a tricky word. MONTIFORTE Funny, my mother, God bless her soul, instead of saying vegetables, she would say Ve Gi Tables. When I would get her mad, she would say, Frankie I’m gonna knock those marbles right outta you head. DISALVO Did She? MONTIFORTE Does it look like it. CAPELOTO Do you want an honest answer? DISALVO Thanks for jumping in Larry. My dad would always miss pronounce the word difficulty, he would say Di Fuk il ty. MALATESTA Let’s move on Frank. Another form of gretting an old friend is “Howz’a you face.” That’s a great question if you haven’t seen the person in a long time.
DISALVO What about sign language? MALATESTA If you’re Sicilian and want to insult someone you take your thumb, place in the roof of your mouth, and flick it forward. You can get into a lot of trouble if the other person takes it the wrong way. MONTIFORTE I did that once, I forgot I had a mouthful of minestrone soup. Boy was that a mess. MALATESTA This is a gesture that is very dangerous. You place the wide of your hand inside your mouth with clenched teeth to the fingers, which expresses anger. This gesture does not work very well with false teeth. Malatesta shows Montiforte the gesture. DiSalvo and Capeloto follow suit.
MONTIFORTE I saw a guy do that once and got so mad he bit off two fingers. MALATESTA There’s a few others, like placing the back of your hand under your chin (showing the gesture) which means go forth and multiply. DISALVO Well thank you professor we’ve learned a lot, Your name is very familiar what does it mean. MALATESTA I’ve got a headache! Thanks for having me on your show. DISALVO We’ll be back so stick around.

Montiforte sketch "Forgetting."

WISE GUYS COOKING POMPONIO FORGETTING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670
DISALVO Let’s welcome our band leader our friend and yours, Tony Pomponio. POMPONIO Frank It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I remembered your name. Lately I’ve had a lot of problems. DISALVO What kind of problems? POMPONIO I’m forgetting everything. It’s getting to the point I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO I know what you mean. POMPONIO What’s your name again. DISALVO Frank. If that doesn’t work just call be “you know.” POMPONIO I was at a party I don’t know when and I introduced my wife of 42 years to a friend. I forgot her name.
DISALVO Not good. POMPONIO It seems to happen lately at all of the parties I go to. When I introduce myself the other night I said hi, I’m I’m you’ll have to forgive me I forgot. I’m terrible with names. DISALVO Our memories aren’t what they used to be. POMPONIO It’s so bad, yesterday I forgot why I walked into the bathroom. DISALVO That is not a good thing. POMPONIO It’s not forgetting things completely that bothers me, it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something that I forgot. DISALVO How’s your wife putting up with you? POMPONIO I don’t know, last week it was our anniversary, the only way I remembered is when my wife through a bag of rice on my head.
DISALVO That’s bad. POMPONIO Bad? Your telling me. My wife asked me about our marriage. She said if you had it to do all over again, would you? I said would I what. DISALVO I hope all is not lost. POMPONIO I was telling a joke the other day, I forgot why the two bears were in the woods. DISALVO Everyone knows why two bears went in the woods. POMPONIO I don’t remember why two bears were in the woods. DISALVO One good thing about losing your memory is you do get to meet knew people every day. POMPONIO You know I go to a memory class every week on Friday, or is it Tuesday, Frank I forgot.
DISALVO You look normal. POMPONIO I know Frank except for three things, names, faces and something else. I guess you could call me a psychic. DISALVO A psychic? POMPONIO I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO Well help is on he way. It’s called a commercial. We’ll be right back.

Friday, July 15, 2022

DiSalvo Capeloto Dees "Franklyn C. Stiff"

Stiff Sketch 1
Frank DiSalvo Let’s welcome the President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor’s Association Franklyn C. Stiff. We’re honored to have You back on Wise Guys Cooking. Franklyn Stiff I am pleased to be here “ALIVE” on your show again. Frank DiSalvo How was the Grand Opening of you’re new Sunny Side Up Cemetery? I heard it was something to behold. Stiff Thanks To my daughter STILLA Who’s in charge of our Living Human Resources Department. She worked very hard to make our grand opening full of life and excitement. Frank DiSalvo Your daughter? STILLA STIFF? Stiff Yes, my wonderful daughter Stilla Stiff. She has Her masters degree in Cremation Studies. Frank DiSalvo Cremation Studies? Stiff Yes Frank, STILLA graduated with honors From “Last Watch University.” Her major Was “Full Body Cremation.” DiSalvo How did she liven things up? Stiff Yes Frank, she’s created “Sunny Side Up Cemetery.” Frank DiSalvo How did Stilla come up with the name “Sunny Side Up Cemetery”??? Larry Capeloto I’ll have a side of bacon and a biscuit.
2. Frank DiSalvo Larry we’re talking about very a serious matters here. Larry Capeloto Just trying a little gallows humor. Frank DiSalvo Save it Larry. How has she uplifted the Sunny Side Up Cemetery. Stiff Yes the name of “Sunny Side Up Cemetery.” STILLA has created a new vision that gives our deceased friends the feeling that they’re coming home. DiSalvo Coming home? Stiff Yes Frank, I’d like to invite you and Larry to come home. Stilla can give you a personalized tour of our crematorium.
3. DiSalvo I’m sure it would be a trip to remember. Right Larry. (looks over at Larry he’s dozing off) Larry would love to visit, right Larry. (Nudges Larry) LARRY Right on! Stiff Stilla’s redesigned our lovely cemetery with vibrnt flowers, local art, and bubbling water features that line the paths that wind throughout our 50 acres of botanical gardens. LARRY Sounds like heaven on earth. STIFF I’ve picked out some spectacular grave sites for you Larry and your Wise Guys Cooking cast. Side by side plots, as it were, that could serve as your final resting places. You and your pals can enjoying the mirth and merriment Above and Below the ground while your audience watches repeats Of your TV show.
4. Larry (Ad Lib) Kind of like a “Drive In” for the dead. DiSalvo We’ll take a rain check on that Franklyn. What else can you tell us about Sunny Side Up Cemetery? Stiff Sunny Side Up Cemetery is Very welcoming. For instance, one our clients recently lost her loved one, the family honored his life by roasting baby back ribs in a fire pit next to the grave site with family members. DISALVO Baby back ribs? Yes Frank, Rather than Having a traditional funeral gathering with guests in Dark suits and formal dresses the family dressed in Hawaiian shorts and leis huddled around their loved One’s grave site having a good old Fashioned Tail Gate Party.
5. DiSalvo That sounds like a great Celebration of life. You and your family Have really thought this thru. We’re running out of time Franklyn hope you comeback. STIFF Funny you should say “running out of time,” let me give you these 30% off certificates for cremations. They are transferrable give them to your friends and loved ones. DiSalvo Let’s hear it for Franklyn C. Stiff. We’ll be back after these messages
Stiff 2
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Our Frequent guest has become a leader in the funeral business. (MORE) 6. Let’s welcome the President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor’s Association President A big warm hand for Franklyn C. Stiff. STIFF Thank you Frank for that introduction, remember “we all came from dust and will return to dust.” AS it were. That’s why our cremations are the best in the business. I digress, we’re here to talk about the funeral business, are we not Frank? DISALVO Yes we are Franklyn, Thanks for opening our eyes about how we got here and were we’re going. STIFF Yes Frank, that’s why we’ve almost thought of everything. We want to shirk the conventional customs of death by changing attitudes about the end of life. One funeral at a time. DiSalvo (CONT'D)
7. DISALVO (CONT’D) I love the way you’ve streamlined how funerals are conducted. STIFF Yes Frank, More personalized ceremonies, attention to funeral planning, environmental concerns and a wish for lower costs so we can breathe new life into the business of death. DISALVO What are some of your ideas Franklyn. Stiff My wife Stella together with my daughter Stilla Stiff, have created a cheer full atmosphere for families of the deceased. showing their gratitude by welcoming their friends for monthly grave site barbecues. DISALVO Grave site Barbecues?
8. STIFF Yes Frank, and you too Larry, I don’t want to leave you out of our conversation...as they gather around the BBQ, by contributing to, What we call, our 50/50 fund raiser. DISALVO I’ve heard of those 50/50 fund raisers. Tell us how they work. STIFF We pass the hat, the winner collects half of the donations while the other half goes to Sunny Side Up Cemetery. DISALVO How clever, always thinking Franklyn. We’ll be back after these short messages.
STIFF 3
DISALVO Our next guest has become a regular on our show. He’s breathed new life into the funeral business. Let’s welcome Franklyn C. Stiff. (MORE)
9. Franklyn you’ve showcased the lighter side of the funeral business. It’s not the somber event that so many expected. Stiff That’s right Frank, It’s wonderful to see the peaceful smiles settle over the faces of families on their way to our Yoga classes. DISALVO Yoga classes? STIFF We’re bringing life back to the funeral business. One body at a time. LARRY One body at a time. STIFF Yes Larry, At Sunny Side Up Cemetery it’s delightful to watch mourners as they meander through the foliage that blooms around gravestones on their weekly yoga classes. While they lay down on their yoga mats. DISALVO Yoga at funeral services, how unique. What are some of the positions? DISALVO (CONT'D) 10. STIFF Our most popular position is Shavasana, or as we call it the Corpse Pose. DISALVO The corpse pose, of course? STIFF The Corpse Pose is a modern yoga exercise, often used for relaxation at the end of a session. It captures the moment with when you join your loved one below the ground. It brings you close to the grave, as it were. DiSalvo A pose to behold I’m sure. How clever. Having you here digging up life and death issues. Thanks Franklyn, let’s have a hand for our guest Franklyn C. Stiff.
Stiff 4
DiSalvo Once again we welcome the President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor Association Franklyn C. Stiff.
(MORE)
11. His family has helped many grieving Mourners during the passing of the their Loved ones. Let’s have a big Funeral Director welcome for Franklyn C. Stiff. Franklyn welcome to Wise Guys Cooking Again. Our audience comes to life every time you visit our show. STIFF Thank you for your kind words Frank, and even though you have not said anything Larry, I still have the two for one package Of crematorium discount coupons you can and your loved one can use any time. They do have an 2 year expiration date. Don’t let this opportunity die. DISALVO Die? LARRY Later rather then sooner, I hope. DiSalvo (CONT'D)
12. DISALVO Being a funeral director must be quite an undertaking. STIFF We’ll Frank we have stayed Away from that pejorative title In favor of Caretakers of the Terminally deceased. Or as I like to put it, we are The procurers of “Sacred spaces.” DISALVO What are some of the new trends in the Funeral Business. STIFF Unlike some of the underworld folks here in Chicago we don’t get paid to hide bodies. But there is a rise of bizarre extreme embalming. DISALVO Tell our audience about this new trend. STIFF Larry would appreciate, there is a trend where the deceased are arranged in lifelike poses so they can attend their own funerals.
13. DISALVO Larry would be great at this. STIFF Using Larry for an example, he wouldn't be seen dead in a boring old coffin, he would be posed up like a waxwork at his funeral. Right Larry? LARRY When I go I want to be remembered how I was alive and looking my best. STIFF We wouldn’t have it any other way Larry. Larry, just in case you get cold feet we can always tie your shoe laces together. LARRY You’re always thinking out of the box. STIFF Remember your two for one gift certificates Larry, don’t let them expire. LARRY We’ll get right on it Franklyn. DISALVO “You’re a funeral director? (MORE)
14. That must be quite the undertaking.” Competition must be stiff. What is the main cause of death? STIFF Too many birthdays. DISALVO Well there you have it folks, another walk in the cemetery with our favorite funeral director, Franklyn C. Stiff. We’ll be right back.
Stiff 5
DiSalvo Once again we welcome the President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor Association Franklyn C. Stiff. His family has helped many grieving Mourners during the passing of the their Loved ones. Every time he appears on our show, Franklyn C. Stiff breathes a little life in our audience. Let’s have a big Funeral Director welcome for Franklyn C. Stiff. DISALVO (CONT'D)
15. Larry Stilla Stiff? DiSalvo You’ve thought of everything. That is a very innovative way to End a funeral. Stiff It’s an incredibly sad and somber event, I see a lot of our families choosing to Focus on life and not on death. DiSalvo You were telling me that you Have a choir that sings while The drone is flying around Sunny Side Up Cemetery? LARRY AD LIB DiSalvo I imagine day or night this is a Spectacular event. Stiff Yes Frank we focus on the best Aspects of the loved one and the Wonderful things about their life.
16. Larry You have a very creative mind, Sounds very impressive. Stiff Thank you Larry for jumping in, We do make this an event where People want to be and want To come back. It’s like watching the fireworks Shows at Wrigley Field on Friday nights. Incidentally we do offer a fireworks show If your family desires to end the festivities With a “Big Bang.” DiSalvo Sounds like you’ve planned for everything. STIFF DiSalvo And what would that be, Franklyn? Stiff In gold lettering, this says it all. “The passenger is this coach will Be put to bed with a shovel.”
17. DiSalvo I guess that says it all. Stiff This historical coach will be displayed In front of a large tombstone at Sunny Side Up cemetery during Our first annual car show. DiSalvo A car show, that’s a great idea. Stiff We will encourage our deceased members Families to donate their loved one’s Cars and display them at Sunny Side Up Cemetery. We call it our “Cars for Caskets” Fund raiser. DiSalvo Cars for Caskets. Stiff Yes this annual car show will feature Your loved ones automobile, truck or Tractor, rumble up next to your loved Ones headstone as classic car Aficionados mingle among the living And the dead.
18. DISALVO Must be a very popular event. STIFF Yes it is. And for a few extra dollars, we can create a cardboard figure of your loved one sitting in the drivers seat. Frank, I’ve seen these lifelike images, and you would never think your loved one was dead. DiSalvo Larry and I would love to attend one of these events. How can we get free tickets to this ground breaking event. Stiff My daughter Stilla Stiff, will give you a free pass to our “Sacred Spaces Car Show.” Right now we have hundreds of folks waiting for cancellations. LARRY AD LIB How can we get to the head of the line Franklyn.
19. STIFF Well Larry that’s simple. Make an appointment to get fitted for one of our custom coffins. That will move you to the front of the line. DiSalvo Larry you better reserve a spot while Your still standing. We always appreciate your service improving the life and death decisions that grieving families face when burying their loved ones. Let’s hear it for Franklyn C. Stiff and all of the stiffs in his family.
Stiff 6
DiSalvo (CONT’D) Franklyn C. Stiff is a frequent guest On our show. Franklyn has received A special award from the Chicago Funeral Parlor’s Association board Directors. Let’s welcome our pal Franklyn C. Stiff. Stiff Thank You Frank.
20. DISALVO Tell us about this special award called the “Final Destination Award” you’ve Received. Stiff Well Frank, I not one to brag but also Deserving of this award is my wife, Stella, My daughter Stilla Stiff, and my brother n Law Henry Lipshitz. They have all created an Atmosphere around our Sunny Side Up Cemetery that is worthy of praise. We are a “final destination” for the deceased, as it were. DiSalvo Your innovative ideas are the talk of Chicago. Stiff Yes Frank, At Sunny Side Up cemetery We’ve created a potluck theme were Funeral attendees kick off their shoes, Blast Reggee and Hip Hop music and share stories of their Departed loved ones. DiSalvo Is it catching on?
21. Stiff (CONT’D) Thank you for asking Larry, yes. We even have kids dressing up in Grim Reaper and Spiderman outfits, little girls and boys Dressing like prince and princess, and Adults dressed in zombie outfits portraying Their favorite characters in “the Walking Dead.” DiSalvo Sound like you’ve created a theme park And wax museum. With the deceased Families permission we will, a A cut rate price have a life size Wax statue of your loved one. One special treat is your deceased Loved one could be holding A glass of wine or a martini toasting you as you walk by. Isn’t that special? Larry Who came up with that idea? Stiff My daughter Stilla. Larry Your daughter Stilla Stiff.
22. Stiff Correct. Remember Frank and Larry We are innovators. My daughter Stilla Has designated areas in our Botanical gardens that family Members that desire to have Their loved one honored for Decades can use their ashes as plant Food for young sprouting trees. DiSalvo It sounds like you’ve thought of Everything. Stiff I’m just the messenger. My wife Stella, daughter Stilla Stiff and brothern-law Henry Lipshitz deserve all the credit. Their constantly thinking Up new ideas to help the families of the “Terminally dead.” DiSalvo I know you have a son, is he involved With Sunny Side Up Cemetery. Stiff My son Stanley Stiff is in the process of Opening a breakfast bar at the main Entrance of Sunny Side Up Cemetery.
23. DiSalvo I’m afraid to ask, what his Menu look like. Stiff We call it the Sunny Side Up Breakfast Bar. Menu, Appetizers, main courses and specials Are in the planning stages. DISALVO Larry and I can’t wait to visit your Sunny Side Up Breakfast Bar. Stiff We will offer specials that will Be designed to keep you healthy While giving you credit for Every dollar spent toward An account that used For any future funeral needs. You can use these credits toward future services you or your family may require when your reach...you know in the event You choose to join your loved one In their special place. DiSalvo When you come back for another visit We’ll talk about that and other Plans you have for the Sunny Side Up Cemetery. Again Thanks Franklyn, you’ve been Thought Provoking. (MORE) 24. We hope your cemetery will Be the last thing a family thinks off when they lose their loved one. That didn’t come out right.
Stiff 7
DiSalvo Life and death experiences are what our Frequent guest is all about. Let’s welcome again, our Favorite funeral Director Franklyn C. Stiff President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor’s Association. Stiff Thank You Frank. A special shout out To your Wise Guys Cooking audience, They’ve made Our Sunny Side Up cemetery one of the Most visited and sought after final destinations In Chicago. DiSalvo Did you say final destinations. DiSalvo (CONT'D)
25. Stiff Did I say Final. Well Frank you Know what I mean. DiSalvo Since we last had you on our show We talked about your son Stanley Stiff Opening up a Breakfast Bar at Sunny Side Up Cemetery. DISALVO How’s that coming along? Stiff We call it our “Sleepy Hollow” menu. It’s designed to get you in and out Of Sleepy Hollow so you can spend More time with your deceased Loved one. DiSalvo What are the names of some of Your breakfast plates. Stiff We have a breakfast suchi plate Called Hari Kari. It’s one of my Favorites. (MORE)
26. Another popular breakfast treat Are eggs topped with a special Native American sauce called The Last of the Mohicans. Last but not least, an original recipe Created by my daughter Stilla Stiff, The end of the Rainbow. And she created a desert menu that Bar none. DiSalvo What are some of your favorites? STIFF “The Last Dance” Omelette “I had you babe” bacon and eggs. “It’s Now or never.” Pancake sandwich. DISALVO Close
Stiff 8
DISALVO We proud to have our favorite Funeral Parlor Director Franklyn C. Stiff today. As you know he’s received numerous awards from the Chicago Funeral Parlor’s Association. Stiff (CONT'D) (MORE) 27. Lady’s and gentlemen last have a “warm hand” for Franklyn C Stiff. STIFF Thank you Frank. I delighted to be here with you today. DISALVO I see you’ve brought your brother Stanley Stiff with you. STIFF Yes Frank, he’s been styling hair for our deceased patrons for the past 15 years. DISALVO I didn’t know you’re funeral parlor offered this service. STIFF Yes Frank, this is one of the bonuses your receive if you want your loved one to look his or her very best when you visit them during funeral services. DISALVO Let’s welcome Franklyn C. Stiff’s brother Stanley Stiff to our Wise Guys Cooking audience. Stiff and Stiff shake hands with Larry and Frank. DISALVO (CONT'D)
28. STANLEY I have a unique job, Frank. Making sure our clientele look their very best for their grieving families. I’ve never had any complaints. DISALVO How long have you been a hairstylist to the dead? STANLEY Frank this is really a side gig for me. My salon is next to Franklyn’s Funeral Parlor. DISALVO What is the name of your salon. STANLEY The Curly up and Dye Salon. DISALVO The Curly up and Dye Salon? Dye? STANLEY It’s spelled D Y E. You know Mr. Disalvo, not the word Die, D I E. DISALVO Glad we got that straight!
29. STANLEY This side job at my brothers Funeral Parlor helps pay for gas and my motorcycle payment, I also have a small band that plays at the funeral home on Sunday nights called Stanley and the 4 Stiffs. DISALVO Sounds like the Stiff family has talent. STIFF You should hear them Frank, they play music you love, right out of the Great American Song book. DISALVO I’d love to sing with your band some Sunday night. STIFF Frank you would love our Funeral Parlors signature tune, “Save The Last Dance For Me.” DISALVO Stanley how did you get this job?
30. STANLEY If I recall Frank, and my brother can clarify this, after I gave him a haircut at my salon, he asked me if I was interested in a life changing part time job. DISALVO And? STANLEY I said of course, when can I start. He told me he had a body over at the funeral parlor and I could start right after work. After all it was right next door. DISALVO How did your first meeting with, you know, STANLEY Franklyn did not want to leave me alone for my first job. He was kind enough to wheel the first dead person into the showroom. STIFF That was perfectly understandable, don’t you think Frank? DISALVO Absolutely.
31. STIFF I introduced Stanley to his first customer so they could be on a first name basis. STANLEY Franklyn did not want to leave me alone. But it was really comfortable after were introduced. I asked what their names were. When he left, I made small talk to familiarized myself with the deceased so I didn’t feel like I was intruding. DISALVO How is it different to style a dead person? Franklyn? STIFF Speaking from experience, It doesn’t take as long because you only have to do the sides and the front. But since they’re lying down it’s challenging because you have to get it to look they’re standing up. DISALVO How is this different than working in your salon?
32. STANLEY I’m used to people talking at me all day, complaining about their lives, gossiping. So it’s a nice way to end the day—making someone beautiful who can’t talk to you. DISALVO Franklyn, you’re brother Stanley sound like a natural. STANLEY I really enjoy working at the Funeral parlor. I can sing rehearse my forties tunes, old standards even some hip hop. You know Frank, you never know if they’re watching but if they are watching, I want it to be uplifting for them. DISALVO Do you ever wonder what they’re thinking. STIFF Frank, remember their dead. DISALVO Stanley? STANLEY I don’t get scared or freaked out. (MORE)
33. I’ll say, “If I’m doing something you don’t like, just let me know.” Then I’m a little scared they’re going to let me know. DISALVO Is it totally creepy? STIFF I have to thank my brother Stanley for being so patient. He looks very comfortable styling our clients hair. Some times he’s in a room with 6 bodies, it looks overwhelming. STANLEY You know Frank, I talk to them and the only difficulty is trying to hear them talking back. DISALVO Well, many thanks to the Stiff Brothers. Franklyn and Stanley, we’ll be right back after this short break.
STIFF 9
34. DISALVO (CONT’D) We’re here again with our favorite mortician, the President of the Chicago Funeral Parlor Association, Franklyn C Stiff. Let’s give Franklyn C. Stiff a big hand. DISALVO (CONT’D) We’re happy to have you back, Death is always in the back of your mind. STIFF Death. It's a subject that haunts us all. Frank. When someone we love dies, we're faced with the reality that our own demise is imminent. DISALVO That shakes us to the core. We all fear death, yet none of us can escape it. STIFF I’ve seen it all. Hit and run accidents, wives catching their husbands with another woman. DISALVO There are many causes of death.
35. STIFF Yes Frank and Larry, a woman I know caught her husband cheating, and beat him with a nine iron. Then she had the audacity of posting her score at her local country club. DISALVO What did she post. STIFF The autopsy showed that she hit him at least 7 times, but posted a par. DISALVO We understand the need of those left behind to grieve for their loss. It's a necessary part of the healing process. The sorrow of losing a loved one is overwhelming. STIFF In that time of heartache, it's important to remember to laugh. While we should mourn the loss of someone near and dear, we should also remember to celebrate a life well lived. And that’s what we’re all about at Sunny Side Up Mortuary here in the Greater Chicago area.
36. DISALVO We should gather to appreciate a person whose mission on earth had been properly, and successfully completed. STIFF And we do it all Frank and Larry. I want you both to know that we’re waiting to give you a complimentary private tour of our cemetery from beginning to end. DISALVO Did you say end? STIFF Yes Frank, we handle all of your needs. From your first phone call to my daughter Stilla Stiff, we can pick up your loved one, make sure to get them to the morgue on time, and within minutes we will fast track their autopsy and e-mail you all of the information you need. DISALVO Get you to the morgue “on time.” STIFF Get you to the morgue “on time,” that’s right Frank. And we’ll handle everything from beginning to end.
37. DISALVO Does that mean you will create an obituary that will cheer up the family. STIFF Yes Frank, obituaries are the perfect way to honor someone who has left this mortal realm. And we do write some hilarious and creative obituaries that the family can keep for posterity. DISALVO Can you give us a sample of some of the work your staff has written. STIFF One of our deceased clients Bill Morton was never one to shy away from his obligations, he did to do the jobs that everyone else was too afraid to do. He was a minister of a sort. Bill preached to farmers far and wide. Throughout the course of his ministry, he successfully converted hundreds of thousands of straight-laced ladies and gentlemen into ardent and faithful into the age old practice of “breaking wind.” DISALVO Breaking wind. Very interesting.
38. STIFF He received many awards. His most valued was an award from The Society for the Advancement of Healthy Bodily Functions. DISALVO This should be interesting. STIFF Mr. Mortan was awarded the coveted The Golden Whoopee Cushion (which is basically like the Nobel Peace Prize of gas passers). He cherished the honor up until the day he died. Rest in peace, Bill Eves. You will be missed. DISALVO Was his family satisfied with his obituary? STIFF You know, it's just too bad that Bill never got to witness his wife cutting the cheese. Someday, the loving couple will meet again. For Bill's sake, we hope that people can still pass gas in the afterlife. DISALVO A very touching obituary. You’re staff has a flare for comedy.
39. STIFF Yes my daughter Stilla Stiff worked her way through college doing “stand up” at the Chicago Comedy Club. We’re experimenting with the deceased standing at funerals with their arms welcoming mourners. DISALVO Can you give us another sample? STIFF Another classic, Very simple but respectful. Joe “the Joker” D’Mato. 96, Joey died with a set of perfect dentures. He went through his second childhood after he went to the dentist and had braces put on his dentures. His family loved our obituary. DISALVO Braces on his dentures? STIFF Yes Frank then there was 106 year old Jerry,”Never say die,”Campioni. His Obit read, “Jerry would have lived 10 years longer if he wasn’t shot by a jealous husband.”
DISALVO STIFF DEES "BALD"
Thanks again for taking us behind the humourous side of the funeral business. Let’s hear it for Franklyn C. Stiff. Franklyn C. Stiff Bald Sketch DISLAVO Tonight let’s welcome our favorite mortician. A man that won’t let you down, especially if he thinks your still breathing, Franklyn C. Stiff. STIFF Thank you Frank and Larry. It’s been a long time. I see where you still haven’t used our discount coupons for half off on your next visit to our “crematorium.” DISLAVO I think I’m speaking for Larry, we really don’t want to rush things. STIFF I can understand that. STIFF (CONT’D) You both know my daughter Stilla, graduated with honors from Embalming School. The Stiff’s are very proud of her.
DISLAVO Well how did she come up with this bald idea? STIFF Well, Frank, she recognized that most of our terminally still clients needed a new look for their final viewing. And “walla” her idea was a big success. DISLAVO That sounds very interesting. STIFF It’s new cutting age thinking. DISALVO Cutting edge? STIFF Yes Frank when you take the plunge into shaving your head and embracing your new look, all those horrible feelings about losing your hair turn create a new and positive identity. DISALVO You see more TV and movie heart throbs are bald. STIFF We have a big announcement to make on your show tonight. It’s only right since you’ve made our Sunny Side Up Mortuary such a success. Your the first to know. DISALVO What is it Franklyn? STIFF The Stiff Family is very excited to announce that we’ve received a call from one of the big networks asking if our family is interested in a new TV Soap opera. DISALVO That’s great. What’s it called. STIFF “Th
e Bald and the Beautiful.” DISALVO You should be excited Franklyn. STIFF Speaking for my wife Stella, daughter Stilla and the whole Stiff Family we are proud that our mortuary and Cemetery Show will be ground breaking. LARRY Ground breaking seems to put the nail on the coffin. STIFF Larry you have a way with words. I’ve brought some pictures of some of the stars they want to cast as leading men. DISALVO Great name for a show about bald men. DISLAVO You see more TV and Movie heart throbs are bald. DISLAVO (CONT’D) You see more TV and Movie heart throbs are bald. STIFF I brought a few pictures of some of the baldest guys in show business. (VO pictures) Bruce Willis for instance, before and after, the women just love him for his baldness. Shaquille O’Neal, became a millionaire. His bald head made him stand out on the basketball court. And if you’re religious, like the Stiff family, be aware that the Pope, and Daila Lama are as bald as a newborn babyies. LARRY What would I look like Bald. STIFF I’m glad you asked that question. I’ve brought along a pictures of what the two of you would look like bald. very handsome, don’t you think? (VO pictures of DiSalvo and Capeloto) LARRY I’m getting my head shaved after the show. STIFF I think Larry would look just fine. Just think of how popular you’ll be with the opposite sex. LARRY You think that would help? DISLAVO In your case, anything would help. If you go bald you’ll like a hundred fifty watt light bulb.
LARRY I was thinking of a handsome Mr. Clean. STIFF I brought a few pictures of some of the baldest guys in show business. (VO pictures) Bruce Willis for instance, before and after, the women just love him for his baldness. Shaquille O’Neal, became a millionaire. His bald head made him stand out on the basketball court. And if you’re religious, like the Stiff family, be aware that the Pope, and Daila Lama are as bald as a newborn babyies. LARRY What would I look like Bald. STIFF I’m glad you asked that question. I’ve brought along a pictures of what the two of you would look like bald. very handsome, don’t you think? (VO pictures of DiSalvo and Capeloto) LARRY I’m getting my head shaved after the show. STIFF I think Larry would look just fine. Just think of how popular you’ll be with the opposite sex. LARRY You think that would help? DISLAVO In your case, anything would help. If you go bald you’ll like a hundred fifty watt light bulb. LARRY I was thinking of a handsome Mr. Clean. STIFF We’re trying to sign Bruce Willis, Shaquille O’Neal, the Pope when he’s available, and the Daila Lama. All great men, that have sex appeal. (VO Pix) LARRY If I get my head shaved can I audition for a part? DISLAVO Larry they’re looking for sex appeal. STIFF I think Larry would be perfect. I think you and Larry could be part of the Bald and the Beautiful. (VO Pictures of Bald DiSalvo and Capeloto.) DISLAVO Franklyn let’s show you’re brand new identity. Stiff removes his hat. STIFF What a difference, what do you think Larry? LARRY We’ll I’ll be a bald headed eagle. STIFF I’m glad you like it, Larry. LARRY My ex-wife could use some of that stuff. STIFF As you both know my daughter Stilla, graduated with honors from Embalming School. My wife Stella and our family of Stiff’s are very proud of her. DISLAVO Well how did she come up with this bald idea?
STIFF Well, It all started a few years back. I was taking the family on a two week cruise, we invited friends to see us off, as we waved to them from the third deck, my hair piece kept flapping up and down slapping against my bald head. DISLAVO That sounds like it was embarrassing. STIFF The wind blew my toupee off of my head fortuntely someone below caught it. That’s when I knew it was time. DISLAVO Franklyn, I had no idea you’ve been wearing a piece. STIFF I personally liked to call it a toupee. LARRY My dad wore a rug for years. We called it pelt since he was half American Indian. DISLAVO Your dad wore a pelt? I mean a rug? LARRY Frank they call it a “toup” for short. DISLAVO I guess that would beat wearing a comb over. STIFF Many of our deceased men, and some women wore what you would call a “dime store toupee.” It was attached with “velcro.” DISLAVO Sounds like it make a screeching sound when you ripped it off. STIFF That’s one of the reasons Stella though I should shave my head. Now she thinks she’s sleeping with another man.
DISLAVO She was probably excited. STIFF It took a few weeks to recover. DISLAVO You mean she wasn’t sure who you were with out rug, I mean toupee. STIFF No Frank without my toupee, I looked like a new man. Now we offer a variety of toupee’s for families that want a new look for their deceased loved ones. DISLAVO Sounds like a winner. STIFF Yes Frank, we call our line of toupee’s 50 Shades of Grey. The women love it. DISLAVO That sounds great. Maybe we can talk about that after the show. Ladies and gentlemen let’s hear it for Franklyn C. Stiff.